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Like a junkie who needs her drugs

by Michelle

I am 37 years old and I have been bulimic for 23 years. I bought my first laxatives at 14. I stopped using for a short time between 17 and 19 and used only from time to time until I was 28. During this time I also drank a lot and ate very little. At 28 I finally started to get a hold on my drinking. This was great but I basically swapped out the drinking for overeating and I gained about X pounds. To get this under control I went back to the laxatives and within a year and a half I lost the X pounds and then some but I became completely dependent on laxatives. I have taken laxatives nearly every day for the last 8 years. my weight has fluctuated. When the weight is down I feel great but when it is up I feel worthless. I hate this cycle and want nothing more than to be normal. I have become secluded. I rarely go out and I can't date at all. I have very few close relationships. I recently had to cancel a trip with my aunt because I feared that my "secret" would be discovered.I am consumed with my disorder. I am so tired of feeling sick. I have tried to stop but I can't. my body cannot function on it's own without the laxatives. it makes me so depressed. I feel like a terrible failure and a terrible, pathetic person. I take X laxatives and X stool softeners a day. I spend so much money and sometimes I even steal my laxatives. I was even caught stealing once 6 years ago. I was so embarrassed but I am like a junkie who needs her drugs.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program