My name is Dan. I began to get very focused and ashamed of my body after my dad moved away when I was 11. I started to believe that I was fat and I was very ashamed of my appearance. I look back at pictures of myself an i look like a perfetly normal little boy. As a matter of fact i dont think i have ever really been fat but there has almost never been a time in my life you could convince me I wasnt fat. So I started dieting at 11 at and i started excercising to keep ahead of the calories that i was consuming. I knew i had a problem because i had a real problem controling what i was puting in my mouth. Of course because im a boy eating big meals and cleaning you plate were seen as good things for a "growing boy". I tried to throw up when i was in my teens but i dcouldnt figure it out. for years i overate compulsivly, dieted and exercized to keep up with my food intake. I was constantly obsessed with food, my appearance, dieting and exercising. I wonder what life would have been like if I had actually been engaged in activities that I enjoy or emotionally involved with friends and loved ones. There really wasnt any room for a life to be lived. There was just obsession compulsion. When i was 14 I discovered alcohol and eventually drugs in my early twenties. These allowed me to focus less on food and more on drugs. But that didnt work out so well. When I got sober from that. The deep pain I hold moved back into expressing itself through acting out with food. This time I figured out how to throw up. My bingeing had gotten so bad I was in so much pain I had to throw up. I started going to OA and have had some luck with periods of being sober but I am still really struggling. I had 3 months purge free until about 2 weeks ago and I have been trying to get myself stabalized again. I have male friends that are compulsive overeaters but none that are bulimics. I have one female friend that is a bulimic. Its helpful to talk to someone that understands. I just feel like such an outsider as a man who is bulimic.
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