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kitchen feels like my residence

by rae
(utah)

going up in a world where everyone else goes down. it like running in the wrong direction during a race.
I have a deep phobia of obesity on me. Sometimes in my peripheral vision I see myself as obese. Like all the calories I've thrown up are still there, they never really disappeared even though I thought I flushed them down the toilet, bagged them in the dumpster, or buried them in the ground.
My kitchen is actually a jail cell, or studio apartment. I wish I had more windows so I could gaze into the beautiful life that I am NOT living in.
I have been recovered for a year now! except -- its not really recovery. I am still eating all the time, or at least it feels like all the time. Maybe because the moments spent around food are intensely linked to bad habits and lack of self control.
I practice veganism, which is heart warming yet difficult while living with all these carnivorous people. And it leaved me constantly hungry.
Recovery is complex! Its like ohh yeaa I stopped throwing up! boooya baby.. but then there is allllll this baggage.
:/ Im dealing with eating everyday fighting a battle from the minute I wake up in the morning, immediately hungry! and if I dont have the right kinds of food I have to be resourceful and reaaaly limmit the intake, which is damn hard to do!( Partially why I love fruit n veggie, b/c I can eat as much organic fruit n veggg as I please!) Its a way to get my jaw off -lol- without keeping a belly of mud for 2 days.
And why do I feel like I have a parasite living on me that is my belly!? anyone else feel me on these issues?
Anyways your probably done paying attention to this so Im leaving it at that, to seee if I will gain any responses. Anyone who wants to chat! hit me a memo, thought, e-mail address, story, question, ANYTHING.
thanks
-RAE

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program