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Karate and ex-fitness girl now turning bulimic

by emily
(portugal)

Hey there!
First of all, just want to let know to whoever is reading that this may be triggering and sorry if my english is not that good, but I will try my best I swear.
I've always been the so call, 'good girl'. I already was born chubby and was like that during my childhood, but I always tried to dress myself good and behave the way my parents wanted. To speak the truth i was not very active, I was a book reader maniac, obssessed with it and with study. I would be very strict and everytime, everyday when i got home I would see 30 minutes (and I would even set up an alarm!) of tv and then go study and do my homeworks. Whenever I extended the period of tv time (the maximum would be 2 hours, a complete "disaster" in my opinion) or played with toys in stardoll.com I would be mortified and study till dinner and feeling bad because I was hiding the fact that (once again in my opinion at the time) I wasn't working as I should!
Then at age of 8 my father put me in karate and my sister. She was always the skinny one and I started to get skinny too although I wasn't doing on purpose and I just realise the change when I see photos now. I was a very very very shy girl and had a really low self-esteem but weight was one of the things I didn't even think about because had no fb, no nights out,...in all no pressure about weight.
Was about this age that I started getting a more alternative look and my idea of beauty was emos and goths...Suddently I was in 7º grade and I had like 4 close friends in school. I remember seeing the 'fashion and popular boys and girls' and wishing to be like them and being scared because I knew I would never be like them. People would make fun of me and my friends because of our dark style... but we got each other, we didn't care at all. From the suddent, in one year my body shape changed A LOT! I mean hips, thighs and boobies, all in once. I always ate a candy but started to abuse just a tinny bit that year. Adding puberty and I went from skinny petite to curve womans body and very chubby (from X to X in 1 year)! I was frustrated and was able to lose get smaller in a healthy waw (9th grade and X) and got rid of ALL my clothes and starting buying everything nerdy and baby pink and with sparkles. Started to care. Not many boys in my life (just one boyfriend for 4 months) and then started years later to meet people and being more social.
2012 winter was the worst ever. Heighted 165 cm and my weight at some point reached X kg. I was no longer the karate control good girl as before. I was a failure. So I decided no boys, no make up, no taking care of me except health food and exercise until I was SKINNY. I manage to lost X kg till summer, rock my school exams (best grades in school) and even get really pretty. Not to be cocky but people would invite me to models stuff. However I could always 'look better' and was never pleased, some girl was always better than me and I couldn't stand it, I had to be the best, the pretty, the popular, the number 1. I got comfort in going every night out with my new and wild party friends (but once good behave girls like me in school time) and dancing every night because we live in a small city near to the beach full with the most beauuuutiful and famous surfers this time of the year. The booze, the dancing and the kissing burned a lot of calories I didn't even had time to eat (although I was always speaking and concerned about it). I looked good in the dresses and bikinis even when hearing the comments of despise or jealousy 'You look way skinny, u look sick, u lost your lovely figure and bla bla bla'. When I eared that and gain X kg or X I always remembered that voices I lost it again just to don't give them the pleasure of getting fat again. I would go to the beach all day REALLY and bringing no food or really few and healthy like an apple or stuff. From then and there my binge would be a Wrap or Fries with ketchup or cereals and honey and then with fear of the food I would starve till it wouldn't shown the 'effects' on the body. Everyhting would fit me and I had all the boys that didn't know me before after me. But there was one thing, I didn't know how to purge... until the summer ended.
People leaving or skipping plans to stay home made me feel lonely in the world and being with family to be was equal to getting fat so if nobody would see me I would eat. Now it as come to the point that I eat so much that i gained X kg in 2 months and can't go to the gym, running or even karate most of the time because my tummy hurts so much even when walking. I think I have a binge simmilar to an obese person to gain all this. I feel stupid. I feel like always letting down, 'starting' diets with my father and then eat all the food, good or bad, in the house, from other people and now... purging, every single day, multiple times. I have to stopped, my belly it's getting flacid and I lost all my abs.

HELP me!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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