Just Over It!

by Anne
(USA)

I am 30 years old, and have suffered with anorexia in high school, and then started with binging and purging in college. It's been almost 13 years, and I'm over it! For some reason though I have been here, with this same feeling many times before. When I have tried to get therapy or treatment it only works temporarily. I haven't seen a therapist for 7 years, and made some calls today to go back to one. This illness has taken over my life in so many ways, and I am just done with it!

I know people say it is a control issue, and I am someone who likes to have control over most things. I don't ask for help, and usually end up with more on my plate than I can handle myself. I somehow get it all done, but it doesn't help with the bulimia. I feel like I have no one to talk to, especially as I have gotten older. My family and friends knew during the first few years of my illness, but now they think I am better and doing well. Since we have all continued on in life, my friends and family have their own issues, and I do not want to burden any of them with mine. Holding in my feelings and feeling like I have no one really hurts. I want to tell someone, but don't want them to worry about me.

I usually try to work a lot in order not to place myself in any situation where I may binge and purge. It works, but I end up working 60 hours/week. When I am off I am to tired to do anything, and end up sitting in which is a recipe for disaster. I now have 2 jobs as an RN in the ER, head of the trauma core for one hospital, and back in school for my Master's. My dad has been sick lately (in and out of the hospital), my sister isn't in the best situation with her marriage, and a few of my close friends are in the same situation with their marriages. I am pretty much the only one single, and would love to meet someone, but not until I am doing well with eating and I'm healthy. With my issues and everyone else's, I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to find it though, and know it does exists. This is very hard to write, but I don't know what else to do? If anyone has any thoughts, or suggestions please let me know. Thanks