Just one last pack of laxatives... Lolas laxative bulimia story
Every time I pick up the two packets of Dulcolax laxatives from my kitchen cupboard. I swear it will be the last time...
My addiction. My love. I've taken them for so long and so often I can feel sick and anxious just thinking about taking them. I go through phases where I find it easy to swallow 100/140 pills in a day and other weeks I have to force down 40.
No matter how sick I feel, my nose running, my temperature being more like a fever... The minute I've stopped running to the bathroom every 5 minutes...The empty feeling brings me complete happiness. For those few minutes I stare in the mirror at my concave stomach and I am happy.
The happiness lasts long enough I don't eat the rest of the day.. Or the next day (by then I feel even thinner because the bloating has gone) by day three I'm onto fruit a banana and an apple with some crackers. My weight will have dropped 6 - 10 pounds..which anyone will know is mainly water and goes right back on when you binge.
But by this point I'm already craving something to binge on so badly... This also goes in phases for me... Some weeks its a certain pizza from a certain supermarket - sometimes chicken in a certain sauce - or sweet things. Doesn't matter, but for weeks I will binge on the same thing. Sometimes I will eat so much I'm sick there and then! But other times I will binge over 2 days (usually around family and friends to make them think I'm fine). Then I will come home pour a pint of juice and get back onto my laxative rollercoaster..........
Believe it or not...the above is good for me compared to how I was before. I.e driving to buy laxatives at 4am and had severe depression from the bulimia... But then I had a baby! Yup! For one whole year I was NORMAL. It was like a switch had gone off in my head, I ate normal meals and liked my body. I wasn't depressed anymore and I stopped taking anti anxiety meds... I'm crying just thinking about then...My dark passenger was on holiday for 9 months!
Then 2 months after I gave birth I looked in the mirror and stared at all my fat, disgusting. But I swore to myself for the sake of the baby I wasn't going to go back to my old ways. I had almost died 2 yrs previously, accidental overdose because I was mixing so many pain meds and sleeping pills all because I wasn't eating anything but laxitives!! I had a semi brake down and had counselling for my bulimia at this point. I would suggest it to anyone as it helped me cope. AND I'm proud to say I haven't let myself slip that far, just what you have read. The guilt is heart breaking - but I will stop. I will. For my baby I have to - I don't want to die.
So I'm going to say it out loud. My bulimia is back. I hate the person in the mirror and I'm ruining my own life with this disease! I will find the courage to stop and accept myself the way I am. SOON.
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