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just confesser, hope someone extends a hand but if they dont in the end this is my body I am the one to care for it.

by andrea
(canada toronto)

hi my name is andrea, I am 17, I just confessed my mom I am bulimic, I have had bulimia and exercise bulimia, what triggered my sense of self disgust is that when my sister came to canada, when I was 14, she gained lots of weight, she looked bad and my parents and all my family judged her as if she was some kind of pig, since that moment I became obsessed with extreme exercise dieting and by age 15 I was into bulimia becuase I was afraid my parents and family members would judge, I am afraid that people will judge me If I gain weight, but this is the first time I accept it, I AM BULIMIC and although my mom is in shock, whether with her shock or her support I know I will be strong enough to fight bulimia, and I will beat it, I want to be able to wear shorts and a skirt without being afraid that some guy will look at them with disgust, but suddenly when I purge, my bones hurt me, I have cramps, I have arrithmia or whatever that is when your heart starts pumping really fast, I feel really bad, my bones hurt, my teeth hurt, my brain hurts of thinking, my glands, my eyes get swollen,I am sick and tired of thinking I cant purge, but neither can I eat, I want to be a normal person and be able to leave this shadow behind, I am also very scared, my teeth are becoming weak, I can´t vomit anymore, my first step is the planned meals I have tried it for 2 weeks now but I was too strict I will allow my self more food, and no starvation periods, no more dieting, I dont care what people say, they can talk as much as I want, I LOVE MYSELF, I have to stop doing this to myself, I will eat normal and healthy amounts of food and then gradually reduce up to a point becomes used to that amount, my first step is try outs, try out throughout the day how often I get hungry and record the times, once this is recorder I will pan my meals, I will beat bulimia, my teeth wont fall off, I will hide my mirrors because I am obsessed with the image I see in them, I will keep educatin myself because I am not the only,my friends are all in different countries and entered university, right now I have no best friend, but don´t as a child I was bullied a lot so I am used to being lonely and having very few friends, I have had some boyfriends which proves I am attractive, I am not some fat cow, I am beutiful and I dont need a boy to tell me he likes me to feel good with my body, there are hundreds and thousands and millions of girls outhere that have bulimia and I dont plan to be part of this crew any longer, this is the past, and from now on I will look to the future, oh btw I forgot to say my mom and dad both leave outside of the country and I have no family here so whats the point I am only by myself I am the only judge, and I am not even that fat I just gained a few kilos from trying to compensate my stress!!! this is the first time I live alone, I hata bulimia I love my body, this has never happened to me I never thought I have a problem with how I see myself, I can wear make up skirts, and I know this conversation is a bit of a catharsis from these past 4 years of obssesion with my body I am ready to stop, I am ready to eat normally, I will take the challenge, I have to say I am afraid but again that is part of the process is like when you learn to ride a bike the first time, you feel afraid the first but then you are able to ride it and go all through hills and roads, you may often fall but that is how you learn, and this wont be my story Im not gonna be bulimic for 5 years Im gonna stop and I can do this, I have achieved many other things, this is more about relaxing, not about putting pressure on myself to STOP being a bulimic, that is not the answer, the answer is to stop thinking that food will heal me or being thin matters, IT DOES NOT MATTER,food is just meant for the cells and body to function, not for the people to think about all day long, I do´nt quite think many people will read this because its dang very long but its a good therapy for me.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program