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by Julia
(Derby Uk)

Dear Shaye, I was trying to email you but I COULDNT do it I dont know why.............I live in UK but I am not English. I hope you understand my letter because I can't speak perfect English.I try tell you my story............I am 32 years old , I have DAUGHTER and she is 10. I am BULIMIC since I was 20. At first , when I was 15 I put on a bit of weight but IT was normal for girl this age. My mum was always dieting, she didnt like her legs and she usually asked me how does she looks in jeans. I was girl, so I told her the truth. She also ASKED MY BROTHER and we both laugh because we couldnt understand our mum. We were children. But AFTER THAT I has discovered that I watched how my legs looked and my friends. So WHEN I put on a bit of weight mum SAYS-You CANT EAT SWEETS she gave me low calories crackers like bread for supper. I listened to her.........BUT when I was eating this bread I was more hungry so I ate more and I put more weight. I am scared of my mum so I hid when I ate. It was like a circle I couldn't stop. When I ate then I promise myself that from tomorrow I am going to diet, but I didnt......I was bigger and bigger....I CUT contacts with friends, I didnt go to disco because I thought I HAVE TO lose weight first. My self esteem was low. My mum was trying motivate me to do some diet and I tried some but after that I put weight again.It was 3 years like this.....So when I was 18 my weight was X KG, 172CM BUT when I was 15 when I started diet and my weight was X kg.My Mum saw that I was fat and that I had problems at school, I didnt have friends....she was angry and she said you must diet, you young, you cant be fat but I couldnt .....I was tired, I lost motivation. But I promise her to diet but next day I was too hungry so I ate ....she was more angry, she shouted and she said that she is going check my weight every day. And she did so when I put weight on she shouted, be angry. I was scared ......She was checking my weight long time few times a week.So I lost weight and I was X kg. Parents were nice to me, I felt that everyone love me again......but it was hard keep weight so I discovered make myself sick because I felt so guilty after when I ate food and I panic that I would put on weight. My Mum teach me how to smoke, she said that cigarette's helps kill the hunger. So I smoked. When I was pregnant I stopped vomitting because I was scared for my baby so I put on weight, I was Xkg .When the baby was born I lost weight,smoke , vomited again because my husband didn't accept me. In 2004 I moved to UK , I WAS Xkg, felt bad because my bulimia got worse. I cried every night that I am going to die so I pray, and pray.....In 2008 I divorced. My daughter went to Poland on holiday. I was alone at home and I vomited more.....One day my mum rang that she has dream that I am going to die so I scared and I thought that God gave me a sign.....I stopped because I was scared, I had big stomach pain. I promise myself that I cant be selfish, my daughter needs me....but I couldnt stop.I told my mum but she was angry with me, and she said how can I help you, you live in UK. In 2010 I found Polish psychologist, she said that my mum was cold women, she looks after me but she never hug me so I needed love as a child. When I found out that I am ill because of my mum I was angry and so many years I didnt realize this, I thought that it is all my fault...What has happened now......I still go to the psychologist, it is nearly 2 years now. She helps me a bit because I don't vomit like before but I am taking prozac. I met somebody who knows about my bulimia and loves me so much but I still don't love myself. When I make decision to fight with bulimia I was Xkg but I am Xkg now. I have big cellulite and I have myself. I try to lose weight because I dont accept myself, I angry for even my family when I feel that my jeans are tight. I know it is terrible....I am so selfish, people have cancer but I have problem because my weight is X kg. I still looking diet for cellulite, exercise. My cellulite has 3 levels so is so bad. I scare when my partner see my cellulite on the beach. I know I am so stupid and I tried explain myself so many times that I cant think like this. I dont want put more weight, but I dont know what to eat, I try to eat healthy but when I drink more coffee or eat chocolate I scare that my cellulite will be worse and I put more weight. I think about food all the time and I havent got energy, I am unhappy and I cant play with my daughter. I was trying to do some exercise but I dont like, but I know that I will feel better after that. I dont like exercise because it is remind me the time when I exercise to lose weight, I felt pain. Thats why I dont like exercise but when I don't exercise I feel guilty, more ugly with cellulite. It is like prison. I have enough......PLEASE PLESE HELP ME ,can you tell me how to eat because I can't calories all my life and if I eat more then X calories I put weight so my mood is low. My metabolism is so so slow. I cant go to gym, I cant bicycle or run. I have videos with aerobics.Please please help.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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The Bulimia Recovery Program