Jen, I'm bulimic.
by Lillian Richards
I've always had disordered eating, since I'm a perfectionist and would fluctuate between intense self discipline to completely out of control. The throwing up started when I met Ivan, since he was so thin and I had to be thinner than him. Also, I had used obsessive exercise to deal with binges but I no longer had the time in my schedule to exercise obsessively. Now it comes up as I have turned from a disorganized girl to a young woman who has everything in life running smoothly, and its the one outlet where my stress is channeled. Unfortunately life will always have stress and so I can't manage my stress in this way.
Whats ironic is my weight goes up when I start throwing up more often, since it means I'm binging.
I've finally reached a point where I just want to eat and be full, go from meal to meal without being a nutrition nut. Building up a calorie deficit so that in about four or five days I start having to spend all my evenings at coffee shops to keep me from the kitchen. Or binging on ridiculous amounts of celery. I want to be left alone in a house full of food without feeling anxious. I want to stop trying to lose weight and just be comfortable in the body that my genetics have decided for me. Its taken me 10 years to realize that I may win the battle against laziness about studying, the battle with having my dishes done right away, the battle with becoming a good swimmer, but I'll never win the battle against hunger. When my body is hungry the self obsession needed to keep binging at bay just isn't possible in the adult world where there's too many things to think about.
I'm forgetting why I need to cut out food groups. I'm a geologist, not a model. I need to fuel my body and my brain to get me through each day. The throwing up needs to stop.
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