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I've lost my teenage years

by Josephin
(Norway)

I'm only 17 years old, but I'm already exhausted trying to deal with this.

When I was younger I always got comments on my weight, ever since I can remember. Mostly from my parents and family. They would always say I should do this and do that to lose weight. It hurt, but I didn't think too much about those comments, somehow I was happy with myself. Looking back now i see that I wasn't THAT big then, I only had a little bit of stomach fat. I still don't understand why people would comment a 10 year-olds weight... anyways,

When I was 14, I decided that I wanted to lose a little weight after dealing with a lot of low self-esteem and failing at dieting many times. It all started great. I ate healthier, started jogging and I was happy because I soon saw results. I became addicted to losing weight and my battle with anorexia started. Anorexia was my little secret and somehow ana gave my life meaning. It didn't take long until i started binging and purging. It became a terrible combination of mia and ana.

2011 I was dealing great with my ana, and she was almost gone. But then when I moved away from home (at 16) Bulimia took completely over me. It became a daily nightmare. Bulimia made me put on a great amount of weight, and for someone who had just recovered from ana, that was hell! (still is!) I was at the point of suicide.
I talked to my school nurse, and I've been in recovery for a year now without any results. Even though some of my dance teachers and my boyfriend know about the battle I'm currently fighting, I feel so alone. I've never met or talked so anyone else who is/was bulimic. And my family started commenting on my weight gain again...

I really just wanna recover and get back on track after those 4 years of my life that I have lost. I don't remember how it was not thinking about food all the time, or comparing bodies. I try to keep my hopes up, but it seems too hard sometimes.
I binge and purge about every second day now (up to 8 times on those days) and on days when I am not "bulimic" I think and act like an anorexic. I don't know what I am anymore. Probably both.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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