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I've been left feeling like a sad excuse for a person

by Lauren

I have had problems with food throughout my teenage life but it wasn't until I was 15 that I became bulimic. I realised that I could lose weight and eat whatever I wanted at the same time! I knew it was wrong and bad for me but I couldn't resist the ease of the weight loss and the satisfaction I felt after I had purged.

Unfortunately I have not just had problems with food but many other self loathing issues too as a result of sexual abuse I had experienced when I was younger and a difficult divorce in my teens. After these experiences I felt like incredibly low, I can't even begin to put into words how low I felt. I guess the bulimia made me feel better about myself and my memories. This desperation to purge after anything I ever ate became strong that I once drank water with a mug full of salt in it as an attempt to make myself ill. It didn't work and I remember crying for a long time after the burning pain of the salt and the anger I felt that I couldn't vomit. Eventually I realised that by sticking toothbrush all the way down my throat I was able to vomit every time.

It took only a few weeks before my secret became too much and I made myself so drunk I told my friend and her mum in a paralytic state about it all. I scared them. I didn't heare from them properly for 2 months, until I had recovered.

When my parents found out they wanted me to go to a therapist but I was determined to do it on my own. I did, eventually. It wasn't easy and it was painful! I hated every minute and with every mouthful I felt worse and worse but then I accepted that food was what I was using to cope with my memories I was able to eat, almost normally.

Now though, I am hurting again. Again. I feel bad again and I can't deal with food again. I am thinking about being sick again but so far I haven't purged in over 2 months. Now though I just want to eat all the time until feel sick. If you can help me please do! I'm desperate, I need to learn how to not eat my feelings. I really need some help please!!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program