It's time for me to start enjoying the wonderful life that I know I do have...
This was a hard step for me to take, as I've been bulimic for just over 10 years. It's unfortunately grown into such a scary part of myself that I have been so ashamed and chose to not confront it. I think in my mind I thought that it wasn't as serious as it was and was something I could chose to just stop one day and that it wasn't as serious as it really is.
It started back in highschool when I was training competitively for figure skating. I have a muscular build and always have. I wanted to go and tour with an ice show and knew that there were so many small girls and didn't want to be the heavy one... if I would even get accepted. I started to consume myself with what I wanted to eat and what I shouldn't and took small comments that were said to me and blow them up in my head. I truly had a horrible self portrait of myself in my head and it all did come down to my weight and what I thought I should weigh. I'm 5'4" and before I went on the road I weighted about 145 lbs. I was accepted at the weight I was at, and told that I didn't look at all my weight since I was so muscular (that comment in itself makes you feel bad about yourself). We all had weekly weigh ins and my bulemia really took a turn for the worse when I was on the road. I went from my 145 down to 112lbs. I was eating salads with the dressing on the side, and then throwing that up. I came home for a visit and everyone was telling me how good I looked and I took that as a positive thing. My mom and best friend were the only ones who knew of my problem and both of them saw right through me. I had one breakdown and admitted I hadn't been well, but that I would stop. Problem is I think I tried eating "bad" foods to prove that I was better, but would throw everything up. I did gain weight back, but never stopped my bulimia. I think because I have gained weight back, over the past 8 years they assume I'm better... but what scares me is I''m not. I now weigh about 134, but have lost control lately.
I came onto this sight as I have started to really worry about my teeth, and if I can have a baby. I recently got married to the best husband, but he has no idea of my problem. I told him at the beginning (4.5 years ago) that I had a problem, but I was getting over it and he hasn't ever asked again. I've gotten very good at hiding it and I just think that he truly has no idea. I know it's time for me to change and be able to enjoy the life I have that we've built together... I just hope I have the strength to. I'm pretty headstrong that I don't want to go get outside help, and would really like to cure this on my own and hopefully with the help of this community online. I saw your story Shaye, which made me truly believe I hadn't ruined my life forever.
I think I never stopped because deep down, I thought I had already ruined my life, so I couldn't be helped. I lately have done a lot of thinking and want to build a family, and have a healthy and happy life that I know is out there (and that literally is right there ready for me to enjoy). I watch others eat, and I am just astounded how they eat unhealthy things and go on... don't get huge, and can enjoy them without throwing them up. That's who I want to be. I'm a healthy eater by nature, but the past little while I've been indulging in BAD foods that I never would have made a habit before all this started. I have wasted so much money and don't want to do that anymore. I want to have no secrets from my husband as to where money is going, and truly kick this habit... but not become this huge woman either. I think my biggest fear is that if I just eat what I know is healthy that all this weight will creep up on me. I am just going to try and believe in myself and the stories all these other wonderful ladies have been sharing and hope that I too can eat normally and not completely change my body.
I look in the mirror and wonder if that face that is looking back at me is what it would look like if it weren't for this bulimia. I do have those swollen cheeks and sunken eyes... but always assumed that's just how I look. I want to see my real face, and I'm ready to make the commitment to do so. Since I read through pretty much your whole site last night, I haven't thrown up once. Had a good dinner last night, breakfast this morning and lunch already. I wrote this just after I ate, and already now by the time I"m done I don't feel the need to start a binge. This sounds small, but in the past by this time in the day, I could have already had 3-4 purges.
So sorry for my rambling, but this truly did make me feel better and realize how bad my problem has been... and that I do think I have it in me to change.
Thanks for sharing your story and I can only hope to one day be in your shoes. If I make it through the rest of this day on the note I'm on... that's the best day I'll have had in at least 8 years. Truly.
Thanks again for listening :)
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