It's not just about food
I don't know how to control my urges to binge and purge; I use exercise as a way of making me feel good and happy, but sometimes I get the same adrenalin kick from stuffing myself with food and purging afterwards - this is getting more and more common. It's not just about the fear of getting fat, it's more about being able to control how I feel, as though making myself sick were somehow "cleansing", like the whole excessive, sick process would make me feel better... I feel like exercise is the only other way to channel my emotions, but I already exercise every day and used to be somewhat obsessed (I still can't live without the endorphins high).
I so badly want my university years not to be dominated by this, because it really comes to define one's life. I just want to be a regular, happy girl, but whenever I go out I avoid drinking because of the calories and the drunken stop-off's at MacDonalds on the way home.
Shaye, your story is inspirational and makes me hopeful that I can change, even though sometimes I feel totally lost.
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to bulimic letter.