Its me once again.. Just sooo many broken promisses to myself..
Its the same old story, repeating itself again and again.. I've promissed to myself so many times THIS IS THE LAST TIME, as an excuse to overeat thinking that after THAT ONE LAST TIME, i wont do it again, i know, its a big fat lie im telling to myself, but at that moment of numbness i belive that it can be truth...
Today was terrible, im having an aweful week, trying to get back on track with NORMAL/ structurated eating, but it seems to be impossible, since MONDAY!.. its been hell, and today i thought, ok i wont restict food, but i ended up eating so much.. i feel like an alien, like a terrible woman and girlfriend, its not the first time that i had to lie to my boyfriend because of this, and it makes me feel so damn bad.. the thing is, i went to my bf's after lunch, he was home alone bcause his parents are on a trip, we were about to start watching a movie and asked me to prepare some popcorn, mean while he would prepare the rest of the things.. as always, there's so much food at his palce, 3 big boys eat lots, and everytime i have a oportunity like this, i .. its not binge, but i overeat, i say its not binge bcause ofcourse i dont have enough time to eat that much, otherwise it would be.. i feel so terribly ashamed of myself telling someone about this, it isn't even my own house!!!!!!!!!!!! But, my mind blocks that away for a moment and just think of the food!!.. so there i was, making popcorn (wich luckily i dont like that much) mean while, i was eating bread and butter, some candy.. (chocolate stuff, dont know how to say it in english sorry).. GOD i feel so bad about myself now that im writing this.. and well, popcorn ready, movie.. and then.. well, you know, we were home alone and it was cold (its winter time here) and rainy.. and i had to LIE and tell him i was with my period so i felt really uncofortable with this.. ofcourse he understood, but i knew in my head, is not about my damn non existan period, its about ME NOT WANTING HIM TO SE ME WITH MY CLOTHES OFF.. yes, i had just eaten lots of food and my belly looked gigantic, and i felt so bloated, i felt horrible.. i didnt even want him to hold me close, i kept thinking HE CAN FEEL MY FAT WITH HIS ARMS AND HANDS!! GOD U ARE SO DISGUSTING!
Then i wnt home, and felt like crap, which of course.. ended up with more bingeing and more critizising my lack of self control..
I felt so damn bad.. really, it had been a while since i binged 3 times in one day (this morning i binged too) i was bingeing like a few times a week, but dont know what happened this week and especially today.. now i have a friends night out wich i cant avoid, but i dont feel like going at all..
I hate lying because of this fucking ED, its killing me.. sometimes I don't care about my body when i am with my bf, but some other times like today, there's no way i can get over it.. He knows i have a problem with food, but he doesnt know it is THIS BIG, he knows im seeing a therapyst for a long time, but he just doesn't know the size of the rock over my shoulders.. and we've been tougether for FOUR years.. yes, 4!..
I need help, motivation to start this new week.. im thinkin of printing a calendar, putting it on my wall and commit to it, I'm checking every day i make it through binge free.. and instead of promising myself NEVER to binge again, im gonna focus on EACH AND EVERY SINGLE DAY, so I make it through the week, then 2 , the hopefuly 3.. and so on.. what do you think? (and ofcourse, continue writing on my journal for my pshych, wich really helps) that way i also will be able to see when, wich day of the week i start haviing stronger cravings, and when i give up to them..
i dont know, it might be a stupid thing to do but im desperate!!!.. =( i could really do with some supportive words..