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It's all becoming clear

by Bek

I have only recently started to binge even though I have probably had an unhealthy relationship with food most of my life. 8 months ago I stopped smoking and slowly but surely binging has started to take it's place. So it became painfully obvious to me that I eat instead of feeling. Because I am a highly emotional person I never really thought that I didn't deal with my feelings or feel them for that matter but I now see that is exactly what I do.

Like most others I have had quite a few things that have caused me pain and most recently that has been my sons father deciding not to be involved in his sons life. That was 7 months ago. This was all coming off the back of a nasty vindictive divorce, my mother being in intensive care for a month with a second brain bleed and she is now not the same person, a relationship with a man who played me to no end and took every lil bit of self esteem and confidence I had managed to build (as I grew up with low self worth), and now finally his dad wiping his hands. On top of this my 7yr old boy has low functioning Autism.

Now I know that sounds like a massive sob story but I can't deny and ignore those things that have happened in my life that have severely impacted my well being. I have tried to combat these things doing self help,seeing councilors, psychologist who diagnosed me with adjustment disorder as all those things above happened simultaneously. I do mindfulness meditation for 10 minutes most days, I have set up respite so I can have a break from caring for my son occasionally, and I use CBT techniques that I have acquired over the years to correct distorted thoughts. So I really do give it my all.

What I find difficult is 2 weeks out of every month I believe I suffer from PMDD ( a severe form of PMS that impacts your daily living). I am in the process of this being looked at by medical professional and it has been an ongoing things for 7 years. Anyway part of PMDD is increased appetite and marked feelings of depression, anger, irritability and a feeling of loss of control of my life. So 2 weeks out of every month this happens and this is when I binge. It never used to be like this because instead of binging I would smoke. But now not smoking it is food i turn to to get that feeling of calmness. And of late I have started to take binging on as a coping mechanism on a more regular basis.Which I guess is what brings me here. I have just finished reading Emotional Intelligence and have started an online course that helps with gaining a better understanding and management of my emotions and feelings.

I feel like I am at a crossroads where I have a massive chance to get myself on the right track, I just hope I am brave enough to take it and finally feel my feelings instead of smoking and now eating them. Thank you so much for the opportunity to share this, I felt like it was something I needed to do. xx

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program