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I'm trying, but mia leaves me lost!

I don't even know where to begin... The past 5 and 1/2 years (on and off, that long, surely not, but sadly it is and there's not much sign of her disappearing) have been spend with... well my councellor says an eating disorder - bulimia... in a way I know it is but, between not believing/wanting to be ill and not feeling thin enough I don't know what to think! I would say more of a food problem. I don't feel like anyone cares, why should they? I brought it upon myself. I told one of my college teachers as staying sane and keeping up with work and other things out with college was taking its toll, I wanted mia to go away, time and time before I had tried to stop but each time she came back, she was that little bit stronger as I got that little bit weaker! She explained that she was not qualified to deal with this and passed me onto the college councellor who after months convinced me that I needed to go to the doctors to get better. In this time I didn't b/p for 10 weeks over the summer I felt better, looked better, I even lost x stone - although during this time I ate super healthy and exercised as much as my usual week - and to be fair it consisted of quite a lot, I was always doing something making me constantly tired, I get to the point where I sleep right around the clock plus more! So I eventually agreed and I booked the appointment with the doctor who was really understanding but... the blood tests, the going to see her again, the referral to a (crazy) hospital freaks me out, im not that ill, I still eat, I still go out and get studidly drunk and I still love socialising and being around my friends, its just sometimes mia is there and I have to spend time with her before I do what I want to do. The college councellor has now passed me onto the doctor and shes passing me onto the people at the hospital - where/who are they going to pass me onto... I feel lost. All this has made my 10 weeks of what I thought was fully recovered into nothing but that mia was on a little holiday. I always say tomorrow will be better, sometimes it is but sometimes tomorrow doesn't arrive and I wake to the reality of last night's b/p wasn't a dream but a living nightmare!! Im 20 years old and I want to be my person before I am 21, I want to be my own person, happy and free, not a sad girl with the perfect fake smile that I carry around day in, day out!! Please mia go away, leave me alone, you were not/ are not the friend you promised to be, yes you were always there for me but I no longer wish to be with you.
Sorry for the.... what seems like a book, if you took the time to read this thank you! I wish any suffers the best of luck and congratulate all those recovered!!!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program