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I'm the heaviest person i've ever met!?

by Ellen

Im an unusual weight. Its never been pointed out as a problem, but its definitely part of the reason behind my eating disorder. I'm 5ft 7, and when I've been at my very ill-est (looking emaciated with a disproportionate body to cranium) I weighed 9.5 stone (size uk 8). On a BMI chart that's about the right weight for a girl my height. But to be that weight, I have to starve myself.

Since puberty, I have developed a bad relationship with food just trying to keep my weight down to 10 stone (where I still look very slim, size uk 10ish).

After 8 years of Bulimia I am coming to terms with the fact that I have to disregard the scales. I always knew that anyway, but I still wasn't happy with me.

It's a year on from when I started trying to eat all the foods I had denied myself for so long. I'm still stumbling all the time. I think the longest I've gone is 2 weeks without a binge.

My weight is now a steady 12 stone. I'm still about a size uk 12. But it's such a heavy one! I just cant get that stupid thought out of my head! I know that my body is now nourished, and I desperately do not want this in my life anymore, but I can't dispel thoughts of disappointment about myself.

In a way I know I'm lucky because my body has always dealt with bulimia pretty well. So well none of the GP's take me too seriously, and not uncommon for us bulimics, I'm very self deprecating and when it comes to sitting there in that small room in front of them, on their little chairs, I cant help but put my big smiley face on and act like its no big deal...

Its a really big deal.

At my worst I was being sick ten times a day, I spent most of my student loan on it. I did a outdoor sports degree and I'd go climbing and walking up mountains before I ate anything, only to get back and eat a house worth of expensive food and then throw it up in the bath in my shared student house, with the shower on.

I'd lose a lot of weight, then gain a bit, then lose etc. I then left uni and had a bit of an anorexia/bulimia turn where I jogged and jogged and jogged and dropped to my lowest weight yet. My bones and joints ached so much. I got an injury though, and couldn't run any more. So I had to put up with the weight gain...

Then I got help from a friend. Since then I've been very actively trying to keep my life balanced in exercise and in food, but by god its so hard!

The past 6 months I've been able to eat the foods (and keep them down!) But still, after about 2 weeks when I've been religiously going to the gym and eating structurally and I feel like a big breeze block (im so thick! hard, but thick God I hate it) and I don't feel any positive change, I always find myself binging!!! I'm trying all the strategies to help me now, but is anyone else finding this??

I'd love to know how long realistically it will take for my metabolism to normalise and my body respond in the way it should to exercise and food. I need a little light at the end of my tunnel to help me break through this 2 week thing.

Anyone want to share?

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program