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I'm so tired

by Taylor

I am 19 years old and in a month I will be 20. I am a second year university student and live with my best friends in a share house. But, I've been bulimic for almost two years. My eating disorder started out in my gap year when I gained weight traveling and came home with the idea that I would just cut down a little, walk a little further each day and just bend the truth to my family. Over a matter of a month I was no longer eating. I allowed myself 1 apple (that I had to inspect myself) and a cup of green tea, only if I walked for an hour at a fast pace and did 100 sit ups. I was anorexic. I lost 15 kilos and I was always a slim, athletic kid. Until that year when everything changed. No one could talk to me about MY food, but anorexia and I made a great team at making sure everyone else ate really well and had a healthy, balanced diet. My excuses were endless as to why I wasn't eating with everyone and I thought they were buying it. That was until I woke up one morning after 2 and a half months and poured myself a bowl of cereal.. No second thoughts. It wasn't until after I had the first bite that I started crying. I started punching myself and ended up crying behind the couch. I got up after 20 minutes, looked in the mirror and thought "you've done it now, may as well go all out". I sat down to the bowl of cereal, full of rage and self-loathing and finished it off in record time. The rest of the day was a blur of more cereal, cheese sandwiches, toast, nuts, glasses of milk.. Anything I could get my hands on without leaving my family house. It wasn't until it was all over that the panic set in and I went to get two bottles of laxatives. I needed that filth out of me. I then punished myself by not eating for 4 days. It hurt, a lot.
After weeks of this cycle, my lips were starting to bleed from the ulcers I had gotten due to stress, I came out to the living room and let my mum hug my bony frame for the first time since I got home from my trip (4 months). I was put into immediate residential care and stayed there for a month.

However, it went from re-nourishing my body, giving it more and more, to me getting released and realized I had developed bulimia. There was no limit on food because my facility wasn't made for eating disorder patients, it was essentially an ICU for those with depression and bipolar. When I was asked to transfer to the eating disorder unit, I was mortified. There was no way I was letting someone tell me no.

My bulimia and laxative abuse has stuck with me, a year on. I have been forced to take time off my study. Since moving out of home, I thought the constant stream of people and friends in my new house would stop me and bulimia, but whenever someone isn't there.. I see it as an advantage. Score one (again) for bulimia.

I am so tired, I need to stop, I am spending so much on food and take food from my housemates when I haven't planned a binge and NEED. SOMETHING. NOW.

Help me, I am tired and can't do it anymore.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program