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I'm So Sorry I Never Told You Mom

by Lila Webber

I know when you read this Mom, you'll tell me I shouldn't be sorry for these things, they're not my fault, that I'm fine the way I am, but I need to say this because I need you to understand what I'm about to tell you. I'm angry. I'm so angry at myself it's all I think about.

I'm angry that I had no friends in elementary school because I was the ugly fat kid everyone picked on. I'm angry that even the kids at my sleepaway camp and dance classes hated me. I'm mad that I was such a horrible friend to the only real friends I had. I'm angry that I made great friends that made me finally happy and now there slipping away. I'm angry that I'm not as pretty as all the girls in my school. I'm angry that my sister is funnier and funner to be around than I am. I'm angry that I'm not happy anymore. I'm angry that I'm not perfect. I'm angry that I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I'm angry that I can't tell anyone, that this has become my dirty little secret. I'm angry that I flash out on you, have these crazy mood swings. I'm angry that my life is one big lie.

I'm angry at myself mom. That's why I throw up. Everyday, after every meal. I know it probably doesn't make sense to you, I'm still trying to figure out why exactly I do it, but it's how I cope. How I stay in control. How I deal with the anger boiling in my hungry stomach. I don't want to hide anymore, I want help. I want to get rid of the anger. But at the same time my mind is screaming KEEP THIS HIDDEN, and it won't shut up. Help me through this, see how much pain I'm in. I need your support. I'm sorry I haven't told you. I just can't explain all these evil thoughts keeping me from you. I still love you, I just wished I loved myself too.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program