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I'm So Sneaky It's Disgusting.

by Jessi
(Pennsylvania)

When I sit here and think about what I do every single day, it makes me sick with shame and guilt. But one thing is for sure, I am like top class sneaky. For Let me explain to you my day. I woke up this morning and went downstairs to tell my family that came in from Ohio the day before goodbye. Every morning when I wake up, I tell myself that I'm gonna have a great binge-and-purge-free day. So I walked over to the pantry, thought long and hard about what I honestly was hungry for and what was healthy to eat, decided on an egg sandwich, and began making it. Finally finished making it, and honest to God, inhaled that sandwich in like 60 seconds. Disgusting. I stood there and thought about what I had just done, and I guess, felt so guilty I just made another. I'm not sure if I could say guilt is the emotion I was feeling, because quite honestly I can't figure out what I'm feeling when I binge, I try not to think about it. But anyways, I had decided to make another sandwich. Delicious. Then decided that since I blew it already, I might as well pick at some of the candy sitting on the table infront of me. Downed about 8 miniture chocolate bars. Decided I didn't want too too much chocolate because sometimes it's hard to get back up, and settled for chips and salsa that I found in the pantry. Ate a little bowl full of salsa an a 1/4 of the bad of tortilla chips, then chugged out of the large bottle of Moutain Dew from the fridge. I was scared because I forgot to drink as I was eatting, and was afraid it wasn't going to come back up smoothly. Oh, I forgot to mention that I did this all within an hour, and while nobody was around. It's sad that I get so excited when my family leaves me home alone. Then I know I can raid the pantry without worrying about someone walking downstairs or into the kitchen and asking me if I'm honestly still eating. But after that, I was stuffed. Wait, maybe I had a salad somewhere during that too.. I honestly can't remember. Eh, not good. I've been so forgetful lately. Anyways, I then sat on the couch until my full hour was up. I then went upstairs, and continued like routine. Locked myself in my bathroom. Turned my iPod on kinda loud (like I would for a shower). Turned the fan on. Grabbed the same stained pink toothbrush out of the drawer. Toilet seat up. Head down and mouth wide open. So gross. After I was finished, and had already prayed and watched it go down the drain, I went back downstairs and sat on the couch. Only again, to be revoked back to the kitchen to binge and purge way to much food for my 5'5 body. All while no one was looking. I wonder if they even think I have a problem? I feel like they would've caught on to my routine already, but I guess not. Idk. It's a good thing. I don't want to get caught. That is simply humiliating. Been there, DONE THAT.

The more I think about it, the more stories I can think of. Like the one time I had just got done purging, and flushed the toilet and it clogged.. Oh my goodness did my heart stop beating and the blood disappeared from my body. The worst part about it was that I had to leave that minute in order to make it to volleyball practice on time. So I left it. Praying I could fix it when I got home. But to my surprise, I came home to my mom cleaning the bathroom! So embarrassing. She instantly confronted me and humiliated me infront of my "perfect" sister. Ugh, just NOT GOOD.

Oh my. So many stories. :/ But I'm so happy so many of you can relate. I honestly love not feeling alone anymore!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program