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I'm so over sticking my fingers down my throat!!!

by Harrison

I've been bulimic now for approximately 17 years on and off. I've now reached a point in my life where I have found myself saying "this has to stop!"


Then I'll eat something that "I" consider fattening... Binge... Purge.... Say to myself I'll start my road to recovery tomorrow...
Now I feel like I've been doing this nearly every day for the past year.

I'm now so sad I feel so trapped in my own body and head that I just want to scream. How does something that tastes so good? Make me feel so horrible?

Obviously I'm not going to miss out so why do I carry on like I will? I'm over I hate it and I feel like a f$&@ing freak!!!

My husband and I desperately want to fall pregnant again. Now it would be just down right stupid to fall pregnant with such a dangerous disorder.

I survived a Pancreatic Tumor have had half my gastric system removed and am really skinny now because of it but have this stupid fear of being fat?!!

You would think that being given a second chance at life I'd be cured? One year it lasted then I went back to my old ways. I'm so ashamed of myself. We have one beautiful daughter already. I'm just waiting for the day my insides will give out and I'll see blood pour out of my mouth and my daughter won't have a mum and my husband won't have a wife. I feel like the biggest selfish pile of shit. I want so desperately to be normal.
I was always a bigger child and even though my parents are beautiful people their taunting of "fatty" left a horrible imprint. Being called she's pretty but too fat over and over and over again growing up made me end up being convinced if I'm fat life is bad. If I'm thin life is good. Bullies can be such horrible heart breakers.
And now I get called thin and beautiful and get completely bitter at society judge people so horribly on the way they look. I get fat people call me a bitch when I was big all my life. I'm so confused. I hate bulimia. I don't know what to do I feel like I'm an idiot. I'm crying while I write this I'm so desperate to get better for my family but most of all for me. I have so much love to give everyone else and I do because I've been rewarded with the most wonderful things in life. But no love for myself so my punishment is bulimia?

I feel at such a loss and the more I write this I'm wondering if I'm writing the right reason why I'm bulimic. Or not writing enough?

Can anyone help? I'm so tired of being alone in my own head. It's a battle I'm not winning...

Shaye Says

Hi Harrison,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment... Bulimia is such an isolating and scary thing to go through - nobody deserves it.

You are right in thinking that self love plays a big part of bulimia recovery. This is a topic that gets talked about over and over again in the online program that I run. The thing is - hate and anger can never heal us... only love can do that. So learning to love yourself will be a key part of your recovery...

But even before that comes nourishing that magnificent body of yours...

That precious body that has fought through and survived so much. To be mentally present to recover, we need to nourish our minds. Structured eating can help with this... Planning 3 meals and 3 snacks in each day at spaces of 2-3 hours apart. Once your mind gets used to the idea that food is coming soon, the binge urges will begin to subside. Years of dieting and purging have made you hyper sensitive to food deprivation. I was the same... so are most people who suffer from bulimia.

If you need advice on meal plans, you could look up a local nutritionist who could help you out. Alternatively, there is an e-book of meal plans written by a nutritionist in the program I run.

I hope this helps Harrison. You deserve so much happiness and freedom in your life - and you can achieve it all... Love yourself enough to take action gorgeous girl!


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program