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i'm so hopeless

I'm 17 and I feel like I haven't been truly happy in ages.
It all started when I was 12. I was a slim kid but somehow I talked about weight with my friends and I noticed that they were about X lbs lighter than me. That was when I started to be obsessed with food and losing weight. I felt like everything would be perfect if I would just manage to be as light or even skinnier than my friends.

In 9th grade I began dieting in a very unhealthy way. I consumed about X-X calories a day and almost made it to my dream-weight but I started binging from being so hungry.
So I gained it all back and became somewhat depressive.

A bit later I started another protein-based diet and everything just got worse. I lost weight and gained it again. I always felt like a had made the biggest mistake possible and that I was a failure whenever I ate something that wasn't perfect. So then I ate EVERYTHING so I could start a perfect day tomorrow.

Now I binge everyday because I panic everyday. "Oh, you ate a piece of white bread? You've just gained Xlbs from that, well done. This day is worthless now so you might as well eat everything there is."
I hate that all I think about is food. I am a teenager, I want to live a normal life. I'm so hopeless because I have been trying to get out of this trap for so many years. I've gained about X lbs in the last year. I've gone from underweight to chubby in a year! I feel so disgusting and pathetic. I don't know what to do anymore.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program