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I'm scared and I want help

by Gabbi
(Canada )

I'm going to university this year and things are looking bright for me. I'm turning 18, I have great grades, and I've always tried really hard at everything I do. My mom works really hard to support my family and I, as she is a single mother. I have always wanted to make her proud, and it was the only push I needed in my life to keep trying my best. Since I was about 15 I have thought about my body and how I look. Back then it would be passing thoughts when I looked in the mirror. When I turned 16, those thoughts became more cruel and hurtful, and I began dieting in attempts to lose weight, when everyone told me I didn't need to. This is sort of where the crash diets began, and I really tried to restrict what I ate, and then would ultimately fail miserably. Things didn't get worse until I turned 17. I started to have binge episodes and then I would not eat for 2 or 3 days afterwords. This continued periodically until May, when I actually purged for the first time after binging. Like you said, I thought it would be a one time thing. But afterwords, I kept doing it. Suddenly I had a way of eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and staying thin. I really hated it though, and I knew what I was doing was awful. I wanted to stop before I couldn't anymore. So, I told my mom. Of course, she was loving and understanding. She wanted to call the family doctor to get help for me, but I figured that they wouldn't do anything because I wasn't sickly skinny, and I had only purged a few times. I ended up convincing her out of it, which I shouldn't have done. The binging and purging continued, not very often, but enough. I thought I would get better during summer, but the more I was home alone, the more I would do it. All this disorder has done for me is made me into I liar. I lied to my mom when she suspected me because I didn't want to worry her. I still wanted to be her perfect girl, and not add another worry to her list. But every time I came clean I could see the hurt I caused her for lying. I have my good days, where I feel in control and happy...and then I have 'those' days. I just want this to stop. I don't want to be a liar anymore and I don't want my every thought to be about the weight I want to lose, calorie counting, and diet or binging. I just want to be a normal girl.

My mom has an appointment booked for July 16th. I'm scared, but I know I need it. Thank you Shaye, for making this website. I want to learn how to self love and I feel like I am not alone when I read all these stories. Mediation has also helped me through trouble in my life before, so I am excited to try it! I want my recovery to begin today.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program