I'm On the Road to Bulimia Recovery
For all of you out there that are just begining your road to recovery, keep persevering. That is what I keep telling myself and even though it hurts to be not really living life and just getting through the days, I know that one day I will finally be able to live because of all the hard work I am putting into recovery now...
It has been almost 6 weeks since my last purge and 2 weeks since I've had a binge! Of course I haven't been perfect but as I've learned on this road to recovery is that aiming for perfection is setting yourself up for failure.
I have overeaten in the past 2 weeks many times but the most important thing is that I have stopped myself. It may be after many extra bowls of cereal or chocolate but I stopped!!! And stopping myself when my minds telling me "you've already started, you've already had a little chocolate" or "You've already overate so you might as well go out and buy the whole supermarket to eat because your life is over and youre worthless and dont have a boyfriend or any friends to hangout with and no one loves you..." to stop myself when all of those lies are running through my head is the most empowering thing I've done.
I feel myself getting stronger day by day. I'm not going to lie though and say that this is all easy and now I'm recovered because that's the farthest from the truth.
Everyday is a struggle, a fear, a cry for help, but no matter how long this horrible process takes it will all be worth it. We didnt become bulimic over night so we cant expect to be recovered over night. If today I binge or tomorrow or in 2 weeks from now or sometime in the future I binge, that is no reason for me to give up right now.
I used to binge because I'd say "I might as well binge today because I'm probally going to binge later tonight or tomorrow anyways, so I might as well start now".
I've learned that it helps to keep putting off the binge. When you get the urge to binge tell yourself "Let me take a shower first and then I will binge" or read a chapter in a book and then binge or walk your dog and then binge and if after doing that activity you still want to binge than do it but chances are you will think about what you are about to do to your body and the urges will go down.
There is no magical way to get rid of the horrible feeling you get when you are thinking about binging. The only thing you can do is sit there and let the feelings go through you, we are designed so that feelings pass.
Each night comes to an end and you will be sleeping soon and than you will wake up to a new day to conquer more fears and to beat this horrible disease. I'm afraid for everyday of my life but that doesn't mean that I'm going to let that fear stop me from saving my life.
We've all been hiding behind our disease for too long and I think our time to heal and recover is way overdue.
I'm also trying to be kind to myself like Shaye always tells me to do. I'm not used to calling myself beautiful and sexy and that I have a nice body or that not every little thing that happens in this world is my fault. Treating myself with compassion is one of the hardest things to do throughout this journey.
I wish you all the best of luck and I know that one day soon we will all be recovered as long as we put the effort behind it. The pain of today will definitely be worth the genuine happiness of tomorrow.
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