I'm Never Doing This Again
by Rebekah Land
"I'm Never Doing This Again. I'm not. I Promise. I just want it to go away". That's what I'd tell my self every time I ran to the bathroom. But three hours later I'd be binging and purging all over again. I hated it. I told my self I wouldn't have to if I didn't eat sugary, fattening treats.
Everyone always tells me I'm tall, skinny, and beautiful. But I knew I was never good enough. Not yet. But I would be one day. I'm actually very athletic. I'm just curvy and muscular, hence, why I weigh X at 5'8". I work out like crazy, maybe that's an eating disorder too. I'm not sure. But let's not get off track. I first binged and threw up on February 15 of this year (2012). My mother had just bought a ton of on-sale valentine treats and I was on a diet. I think my weakness was those sugary, crisco-y, loaded with icing on top, two-inch, store bought cookies. I think I had about 6. I remember doing it quietly and feeling confused at how fast my heart was racing when I was finished.
Over the next 4 or 5 months I was vomiting 3 to 5 times a day. My throat constantly burned, and I the only thing I noticed was how much more I had to lose. I remember once, throwing up outside at a party and climbing on the roof into the window to get back inside unnoticed. I remember playing the radio while I was in the shower, and throwing up down the drain. I remember walking out of a cafeteria, vomiting in the bathroom, and going back in to eat a few healthy foods. I felt so out of control. As if I wasn't the one making myself throw-up. I remember feeling so close to being perfect. Yet not quiet getting there. I chanted, "Don't think, don't think, don't think" over and over again. trying to convince my self it was going to be okay. I remember running to the bathroom and throwing up when I was having a hard day, even if I had only eaten a hard boiled egg or a salad in the last six hours. I knew it would make me happy, even though I felt depressed and exhausted afterwards.
I threw up two Wednesdays ago, and I threw up the Friday before that. But I haven't thrown up consistently since the middle of june. I think I was just having an emotional week. My stomach is huge though. I feel so pregnant even when I wake up. Even if I skip dinner and don't eat after 3pm. My digestive system still hasn't caught up. Why did I do this to myself? I'm still back at square one one my weight loss. I still want to lose 20 more pounds. Everyone tells me that I'd be losing all muscle. But they don't know that. I'd probably only lose 5 pounds of muscle. Plus, I've got so much it be okay.
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