Your bulimia recovery
Tap here to read more about the bulimia recovery program

My online program and private recovery community has helped hundreds of women beat bulimia.
Click here to learn more

Beat bulimia using my online recovery program and private community. Hundreds of women who were just like you have done the same!

Click here to learn more Member Login

I'm Never Doing This Again

by Rebekah Land

"I'm Never Doing This Again. I'm not. I Promise. I just want it to go away". That's what I'd tell my self every time I ran to the bathroom. But three hours later I'd be binging and purging all over again. I hated it. I told my self I wouldn't have to if I didn't eat sugary, fattening treats.
Everyone always tells me I'm tall, skinny, and beautiful. But I knew I was never good enough. Not yet. But I would be one day. I'm actually very athletic. I'm just curvy and muscular, hence, why I weigh X at 5'8". I work out like crazy, maybe that's an eating disorder too. I'm not sure. But let's not get off track. I first binged and threw up on February 15 of this year (2012). My mother had just bought a ton of on-sale valentine treats and I was on a diet. I think my weakness was those sugary, crisco-y, loaded with icing on top, two-inch, store bought cookies. I think I had about 6. I remember doing it quietly and feeling confused at how fast my heart was racing when I was finished.
Over the next 4 or 5 months I was vomiting 3 to 5 times a day. My throat constantly burned, and I the only thing I noticed was how much more I had to lose. I remember once, throwing up outside at a party and climbing on the roof into the window to get back inside unnoticed. I remember playing the radio while I was in the shower, and throwing up down the drain. I remember walking out of a cafeteria, vomiting in the bathroom, and going back in to eat a few healthy foods. I felt so out of control. As if I wasn't the one making myself throw-up. I remember feeling so close to being perfect. Yet not quiet getting there. I chanted, "Don't think, don't think, don't think" over and over again. trying to convince my self it was going to be okay. I remember running to the bathroom and throwing up when I was having a hard day, even if I had only eaten a hard boiled egg or a salad in the last six hours. I knew it would make me happy, even though I felt depressed and exhausted afterwards.
I threw up two Wednesdays ago, and I threw up the Friday before that. But I haven't thrown up consistently since the middle of june. I think I was just having an emotional week. My stomach is huge though. I feel so pregnant even when I wake up. Even if I skip dinner and don't eat after 3pm. My digestive system still hasn't caught up. Why did I do this to myself? I'm still back at square one one my weight loss. I still want to lose 20 more pounds. Everyone tells me that I'd be losing all muscle. But they don't know that. I'd probably only lose 5 pounds of muscle. Plus, I've got so much it be okay.

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to bulimic letter.



Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program