I'm going to eat lunch now - It's nice to know that I won't overeat or throw up.
I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel
I was always a child who worried quite a lot. I worried what people thought about me, I worried about crime, I worried about my grades, I worried about crocodiles and sharks, I worried about snakes, I worried about war, I worried about bombs and I worried about my looks.
Why so much worry: I have no freaking idea. But, I do know that all this worry added to me developing bulimia at 12. Especially the worry about my body.
I had an condition as a child, a rare one that effects about 1 in 50,000. It made me quite big boned for my age. It made me more curvy. At 10 I was more like a woman than a child. And this of course worried me.
I guess that this along with other things made me go on my first diet..... One diet turned into one more and in the end I started binging and purging.
I was worried about this too! But at the time, the trade offs seemed worth it.
My bulimia got progressively worse. And then at 15, I ended up losing many friends - which made me feel, more than ever that I had to be thin and perfect to be liked and to make more friends.
I would B/P whenever I got the chance. Throw up in kitchen sinks when nobody was looking. Eat food in the kitchen and throw it up into the bin. Spend massive amounts of money (mine and my parents!) on food. Bulimia was the first thing on my mind every morning and the last thing on my mind when I went to bed at night. It was no type of life at all.
At 19 It struck me: I had been bulimic for 7 years: Oh my goodness. That was a massive chunk of my life and I was scared. I didn't want another 7 years of facing stinky toilets with my eyes watering from the pain. Vomiting wasn't easy for me: I knew it was hurting my body.
I didn't know what to do: but I decided to do one thing to help my bulimia recovery efforts. I told my friend about my bulimia. She was very good and told me she was there for me when I needed her. I felt a little bit better with her knowing the truth but it didn't end the binge and purge urges.
So I decided to try do something else. I purchased a self help book on positive thinking. I found this quite inspiring and I took one thing from it which was do add one random act of kindness into my days......
I started helping random old people at the grocery store to carry their groceries. It felt weird at first, but I could see it helped them and made them happy. I started a few other things too, helping family with jobs they found difficult and so on. Overall i was starting to feel like a better person and the extra activities did help somewhat with my binge/purge sessions. But, the urges were still there. I was still staying up late at night after everyone had gone to bed to eat whatever I could find.
So I bought a book on CBT therapy for dummies. Parts of it were very helpful and I began to try and catch my negative thinking and replace it with more realistic thoughts. At first it felt weird but it did become more natural in time and I think this was something that helped.
So now, my bulimia was better, but by no means gone. I would still try to restrict my food and always ended up binging and purging. I felt a little bit hopeless to tell you the truth. But I knew that being in recovery-limbo was better than being in bulimia: So I did keep going.
Then about 2 months ago I think it was I got a newsletter from here saying that structured eating helps with binge urges. It was on this page:
I thought what the heck may as well give it a shot. So I wrote up one weeks worth of plans and decided I would try my very best to stick to them.
On the first day I slipped up at lunch time and was so pissed off with myself. I almost chucked away all my weeks planning, but I didn't. That day I continued to binge and purge like there was no tomorrow.
Something clicked and I remembered I had promised to try it for 1 week, so on day 2 I tried again. It went much better and I got through the day with just one B/P.
Anyway to cut a long story short..... I found the missing key that was holding me back from recovering from bulimia....... It was that I was always planning when I was next going to restrict my food. Because of this I was always scared of being hungry and I'd end up B/P-ing!
I've been doing structured eating for a while now and I am feeling like I am on the edge of being fully recovered. It has been a long time since I last binged and purged: Very seldom do I get the urge anymore.
It is so good! Now I spend my extra money on having fun and doing some local travel. I am having so much fun in my life for the first time in what: over 7 years! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am SO SO glad that I decided to just start recovery even though I didn't know where to begin!
If I can see the light then I know most others will see it too. I really see now that bulimia is a habit or illness that you can overcome.
I am going to go have some lunch now - and it is so nice to know that I will not overeat or throw up.
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