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I'm falling apart

Dear my family, I'm sorry that I have let something so terrible take over my life. I have an eating disorder that is slowly killing me and I don't know how to stop. I'm wasting my whole entire life on hiding the fact that all I do is starve then binge then purge. My dirty secret that everyone sees but no one can make it stop. They know that I don't eat all day and at night sometimes I get so hungry from days of starving that I give in to food and eat. I eat only small bites cause I don't want to gain weight but then my bulimia sets in oh no I already had two nuts of toast I'll come back to my plate over and over debating if I'm going to eat or not. I also smoke weed to help me eat then I eat and I feel okay. But after the toast is gone I feel bad so I try to throw up, but only throwing up small amounts hurts so I get a water bottle cug it and say might as well binge because I can get everything out. Start eating and eating only like 500 calories worth of food I don't binge massive amounts. I just want to say this is how my life is. I'm trapped now and I dont even want to binge anymore but I cant digest anything without wanting it all out. Purging is easy for me sometimes i get so frustrated because I can't get it out fast enough, I'm very forceful which is why I'm afraid you'll find me dead In the shower with throw up everywhere. I want to get better because I'm an 18 yr old that's had this problem since I was 14 and I don't wanna know I'm an adult with this terrible secret I'm hiding. I need help but my worst fear is dying for something that I'm trapped In. I only do these things because to me it's cycle that seems to never stop. My family knows but they don't see it as a huge problem, i just want to not feel alone....

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program