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I'm Egyptian and bulimic!!!!!!!!

by dou
(cairo, Egypt)

I'm 21, I've been bulimic for 4 years and it's just impossibble for me to tell anyone about my eating disorder simply because no one will understand :( sometimes i feel that I'm the only bulimic in my country and that makes it even harder, I'm really depressed - i feel that i'm addicted to food it's just like if i'm a robot that's programed to wake up every morning making sure that the day is suitable to b/p it's the first thing that comes up to my mind once i wake up although promising myself,before i sleep, to try to stop . I'm so tired of my life it's extremely exhausting to try to hide this painful secret everyday and draw a fake smile on my face to pretend that I'm fine and happy. I was a completely different person before being bulimic, i was joyful, energetic as i used to be very helpful but now i get very angry if someone told me to do anything !! and that's only because i have no energy to do so, i can't even help myself to do anything! how can i help others, and that really makes me very sad ,i'm not selfish :S i really feel that i'm no more acting as the real me!! i'm somebody else!!! i have know idea why i'm doing this to myself why do i hate myself this much ??!!!i lost my period because of bulimia and i know very well that i'll not be able to have children if i didn't stop :( but i really forget everything when i'm binging, all i think about is the food in front of me and where can i throw up safely without being caught!! everything i do is really strange , I used to be health cautious but now i'm not afraid of anything even death !!and although i know all the health consequences of bulimia; when i see food i just forget everything i was just thinking about from few minutes!!! that's really crazy but i'm really obssessed with being skinny which is hard to be when i eat normally, i'm always comparing myself to others and always see that i'm fatter than anyone else.
i know very well that i'll be much happier if i recovered, but i just don't know how, it feels as if i'm trapped in this cycle and that there's no way out!! :(
I do really need to recover but can i do so when i'm never satisfied with my body, i'm really terrified of gaining weight while recovering :S

thanks for reading :)

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program