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Im currently 20 and struggling to find who i am anymore

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Im currently 20 and struggling to find who i am anymore. I feel lost, lonely and low but have everything a young lady my age could wish for. I cannot pin point a certain point which makes me feel the way I feel.

There are numerous points in my life which has triggered me to feel the way I feel such as my brother passing away from cancer when I was 8 he was 9. He was my brother but also my best friend.
A year later my parents struggled dealing with the loss and split up. I was left in the middle of the arguing/ beating. I don't see my dad anymore as much as I would like to but he will be here for me in a click of a finger.

It all started when i was 14 and had my tonsils removed. I was never conscious about my weight I was already slim, I loved food and ate little and often without a worry. After having my operation on my tonsils I struggled to eat anything and before I knew it I was dropping clothes size rapidly. I liked the "new me" I felt comfy within myself and enjoyed the attention I received from others such as "you've lost weight" "you look well" it made me think to myself was there something wrong with me before?!

I was persistent that I never gained back the weight I had lost. I remember still to this day the first purge was after I ate the littlest thing of beans. Yes, I bowl of beans! I couldn't handle the thought that I'd wake up in the morning and have gained weight. I felt relieved like I had just achieved the best thing I had ever achieved so I thought I'll try this again. I Ate an awful lot more than beans, I emptied the fridge and cupboards and just did it again. In the morning I was exited to do it again and now to this day I still can't stop.

At 16 I got into what was a 4 year relationship he got worried after a year because I barely ate and when I did i'd go straight home. I couldn't go out for meals with him or do the fun things normal couples did. He became more and more concerned took himself to the doctor to get information on my ways. My mum had obviously noticed what I was doing but would never confront me. She told me about 2 years ago she struggled for a year at my age with bulimia too. No one seems to be able to help me I've been to numerous counseling sessions. My dad told me if I didn't stop he wouldn't talk to me or see me.

I went through a bad year when I was 18, I became fragile like I would snap I hated how I looked. I ended up in hospital on a drip it was the worst time of my life knowing I was no longer in control they was trying to make me fat. This was when suicidal thoughts was in my head i wanted to die i couldn't handle the feelings anymore. When i finally got out of hospital i made them all believe id eat healthy, it was all a front. That night i took every single tablet in the house and put myself into my bed hoping to never wake again. Unfortunately that never worked before i knew it i was back in hospital having my stomach pumped. It felt never ending, i wasn't getting what i wanted i never even felt scared i couldn't look at any family or friends in the face.

I became a very horrible possessive person which left me falling out with a lot of friends and family because to them all I was selfish as my brother didn't want to die and did, but when you feel how I felt it doesn't go through your mind.
The last two years i have became much better i still purge after everything i eat but a lot more secretly. I don't want to hurt people again but it's still its an addiction and something I'm in control of it just won't go away.

I've started having major problems with my teeth had two fillings, one removed which then had a dry socket as I was just purging up the anti biotics. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced. The front row are all chipped. You would think all this would stop me? But no nothing can I think to myself we are all "Born to Die" everything seems bad for you. I'll continue this battle till find myself.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program