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im bulimic but i fnd it hard to tell anyone

by bec

i remember when it first started and now i find it hard to remember what i was like before hand. it was 2 years ago. my partner at the time went overseas and i made it my mission to get in shape before he returned. it started off great going to the gym lots doing all the healthy right stuff and i did lose weight i got to my goal weight but i was craving the food id stopped myself from eating. then one day i did eat something 'bad' and felt bad about it so i threw it up. then i thought this is good can eat what i like throw it up and not gain weight. i didnt do it often only when i really craved 'bad' food. then i went overseas myself a few months later. the food was amazing and i found myself purging and binging more and more. then it became every day more than once or twice. I remember getting home and had gained 8kg i was so upset i'd put back on all the weight i'd lost. my bf and i had broken up. i didnt feel myself anymore. then i was ok with my weight was so busy i dint have time to worry. Then i met my now bf michael. i was happy in love so i stopped for a few months i think. then i got comfortable and started focusing on my weight again. i moved for a new job without my bf but still seeing him. i got so focused on losing weight thats all that mattered i didnt do much else but gym binge and purge. it took over my life. eventually i lost weight again but i was in a constant struggle wth food and still am. i get better and worse but i still am obsessed with my weight. i make rules and goals. i wright meal plans and exercise scedules but never stick to them. i feel fat and i struggle with my body even though really im not fat Xkg Xcm. but i want the 'perfect weight'. i know im hurting myself and i know its stupid but its so hard to stop. i worked up the courage to tell my bf and i started to recover and he thinks i have but i keep going back. its ruining my life dont think about anything else. im losng the real me.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program