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Im about to get help

I haven't got help, not yet anyway.... In all honesty I want it so bad! I want control I want to be happy but I'm afraid of what people will think, will they laugh because I'm not thin, so how could I be bulimic? Will they think I'm weird? In all honesty I know they will not understand because neither do I.

Growing up I have always had problems with my weight and was defiantly the first one out of all the girls I knew to raise concern. I still remember when I had just started high school I saw the Victoria secret show and saw all the models thigh gaps, in all honesty I didn't even hate my legs then. So I went off and did some dieting lost a lot of weight I was on a high until it got harder and I got wider, I was desperate and one day threw up because I felt so guilty. I used a tooth brush at the time and recall it being so hard and feeling like I was chocking myself so I only did it every so often of times were really getting tough. By the time I had hit year 9 I had totally let go of myself I ate whatever I liked, no fruit, no vegetables just junk and I really mean it! I have always cooked for myself so my dad never even noticed what I was having. Every morning I would have pancakes with icecream, maple syrup and melted chocolate. For lunch usually a burger and chips and dinner pasta, always pasta! And then through the day I would have At least 2 if not 4 chocolates, packet of chips etc. I remember weighing myself and being Xkg I had gone from Xkg to Xkg in 5 months. I had the worse stretch marks you could ever see and hated myself. I would not walk out side and had no friends because I refused to do anything. I had never seen a boy or even talked to one I felt and was a complete loser. The last term on year 10 I promised myself I was going to be better, more social. I was invited to a birthday dinner the first one ever but it was at beach burrito. I had been on a strict diet for 4 days and had already managed to get down to Xkg. I made every excuse not to go but I was forced, I ate nachos and cake and soda..,, it was so good I could literally not stop. I remember at the end telling everyone my dad was out the front and ran to the bathroom in shame crying feeling guilt and pathetic. Although I had thrown up before only with a tooth brush and I didn't have one so I didn't really think about it. I used my iPhone searching ways and saw that you could stick your fingers down your throat this sounded awful but I was desperate so I did. I was surprised it cam so easy I felt better and could see that I got rid off it all. It was literally like I discovered gold. It became a way of life for me I would do it 4 minimum times a day. Oh yeah and I forgot to mention my laxative abuse, one day I could literally not go to the toilet so was given them and just couldn't stop as I though if I doubled laxative and purging I'd be skinny in no time. Anyway the laxatives kill me I don't know when Ill need to go to the toilet and I'd there will even be one available. I hate to say but I have shit myself so many times and its disgusting. The pain of the laxatives are so intense and I find myself never getting sleep as I am up on the toilet all night. Well this has gone on for over a year. I haven't even scraped the surface. I throw up kg of food a day and take around 25 laxatives. I dont have a life I'm a liar and I'm sneaky I have lost over Xkg and people always tell me how skinny I am, but I don't see it!
I want help!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program