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I'm 51 and recovering from bulimia

by Sallie

Well, my story is much the same as the ones I've read... I began my life of bulimia when I was 15. I've asked myself so many times... Why?...

After searching back into my childhood and through my adult life I saw a pattern of insecurity, shyness and lack of self confidence and low self-esteem. I also struggled in school due to ADD or something along those lines. I just couldn't catch on as quickly as others. As a result of my insecurities in school and in myself it lead me to binge and purge which was something I could control. And then it became who I was. I dropped out of school in the 9th grade, I got married at the age of 16. Of course that relationship didn't last because nothing lasted in my life except my eating disorder. I married several times from the age 16 to 35. During this period there were good and bad times. I had men in and out of my life always searching for happiness and fulfillment. Needless to say, I never found it. All that was important was how I could eat and purge...

I would have dinner parties with friends and cook huge amounts of food. I would snack with them, but then eat it all when they would leave. I would even get up in the middle of the night and eat and purge 3 or 4 times. When I turned 43 my children were no longer living with me and it got even worse. I was lonely, lost and going through the empty nesters stage. I tried even harder to fill my void by eating, eating and eating then purging. as a result, I only got more and more unhappy...

The other thing that became a huge problem was my girls were growing up and they were catching on to my behavior. They knew something was up. I started distancing myself from them because I knew they would catch me. There were times when they were in college that they wanted to come back and live with me and I would panic. They can't live with me in this apartment because we share common bathroom walls...they might hear me. I was in constant panic mode. I loved my daughters but couldn't give up my food and purging. It was an obsession!!! This caused some real problems with our relationship later down the road.

At around 45, when I was standing in the shower, trying to gain control of my body after a bout of binging/purging - I knew that I was killing myself. I thought 'I am going to die very soon'... Well I kept it up for another 6 years. In the meantime, I found that I was secluding myself from friends, family and relationships. I was so stressed out all the time that I couldn't handle other people too! I became a one man show...

Six months ago I was purging and I thought my stomach was going to explode. It scared me, but I didn't stop. I continued to go forward with the purging and the pain got worse. I knew that I was rupturing my stomach and soon someone would find me dead on the bathroom floor. I didn't want to die. I wanted to repair my relationship with my children, I want to see them get married and have children of their own. I want to be healthy and I want to live!!! I want to stop hiding...

I am still not sure just how I did it, it had to be Gods divine intervention, but March 1st, 2011 was the last day I purged. What did help me was getting myself on a meal plan. I had to know that I could eat, and eat often. It hasn't been easy. There have been days I wanted to cry my stomach hurt so bad from bloat or constipation. When I read Shayes message about Bulemia Bloat I said, "thank you god for this person who could share this wealth of information".

I am not out of the woods by far...I watch my weight like an eagle. I weigh myself everyday to make sure I don't go over 108 pounds. Which by the way, is about five pounds heavier than I was when purging. I try to make sure I eat a good breakfast, which consist of a package of oatmeal or 1/3 cup of grits (dry)and a fruit. For a snack usually an apple and Special K chips (30 only 110 calories). Lunch is a salad with 4 oz. of chicken or fish. Dinner is still the tough one, I'm hungry at 6 but I try to hold off until 8 because I'm afraid I'll get hungry and want to eat again before i go to bed. But dinner usually consist of my favorite Quinoa (100% whole grain kind of like a rice) with black beans,diced tomatoes, purple onions and cilantro and topped with just a sprinkled of Feta cheese. Very high in protein and low in calories...

Like I said, I'm not over the hill, but I don't want to ever purge again. I want to live. I have found that slowly I am gaining confidence in myself. My life is still "MY LITTLE WORLD" because everything still centers around what am I going to eat, where am I going to eat it and when. I hope my story helps someone as your stories have helped me.

God loves us!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program