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I'm 15 and I have Bulimia. It's taken over my life.

by Trisha
(Hudson, Ny, USA)

I have never been confident. I let guys use me, I fall for all the wrong guys. My dad will never be satisfied and blah blah blah. I lost one of my best friends Nicholas in September of 09 and then my grandfather in November of 09... My grades have been slipping. Everything just seems to be out of my control. I hate myself. I hate everything about my life. I'm so ashamed of everything I've ever done... It's like when I purge I get rid of every bad thing in my soul. Only for 15 minutes though. Then it all floods back. It hits me harder than ever when I stop. The only reason I eat is so I can puke it back up. I've never told anybody, because I doubt anyone would understand. They'd probably try to make me stop and I'd end up losing the little control I have left. It started out when my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. I puked for a week straight. For some reason it just made me feel better. After that I stopped for a little because my stomach was killing me and I read about how unhealthy i was and I knew I didn't want that. But a month later things got rough again. I was stressed at school, my parents and I constantly fighting so I picked right back up again and I haven't stopped. I hate having food in my stomach but I hate how my stomach feels after I puke and there's always that little bit left there. It's like I can't do one thing right. I get so mad and I feel so weak after I purge. I sleep all the time.. My mom questioned me once. I said I was coming down with the flu. She never asked me again. My arms are so weak and I get so dizzy... For me now it's all worth it. I puke when I daydream in class in my mouth... It just happens by accident. I don't even have to try anymore. That's all for now, thanks for reading.

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