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I'll Never Be Good Enough

by Never Be Good Enough
(Mumbai, India)

My First Bulimic Experience was in the 7th grade. I had always been on the little chubby side, but towards the end of the 6th grade I got fat. I would eat with no end. I got rounder, and one day someone commented about it. I ignored it. Soon everyone was telling me about how fat I had gotten. I decided that I would enjoy the food but just puke it all up so I would not put on the weight. I did it. After that experience I felt horrible and decided to lose weight the normal way. Living in India, the education system is rigid, even in the 7th grade. Not wanting my grades to slip, I didn't have time to exercise. Once, on vacation in London, we were at Pizza Hut and I demolished an entire pizza by myself. My aunt commented that that much cheese and bread weren't good for me. and she poked my belly. I felt horrible. I ran to the bathroom with tears in my eyes and purged it all out. This happened at least thrice everyday during the summer. By the end of the summer, I was a bit thinner about X pound thinner. I decided the bulimia was working and kept doing it. By the end of the 7th, I was much thinner and felt happy with the way I looked. I had told only one friend about it and she told me about the horrible repercussions of it. I stopped it, and I was happy with my body. In the 8th grade summer, I went to France and Italy. I came back X kilos about X pounds fatter. My face covered in pimples. That was the summer I hit puberty. Instead of puking out my food, I stopped eating and started smoking and doing sheesha (hookha). By the end of the 8th grade, the bulimia and sheesha had taken over my life. They had taken a toll on me. My grades had fallen drastically and my company was very bad. I went away on vacation to the Dharamshala of the Dalai Lama in India and from his teachings I learnt to accept my body. I was fine with the way I looked but would opt not to eat 2-3 days before parties to look my best. I would pig out after them and be fine. Then came along the cutest boy I had ever met. He was sweet, funny & very cute. We started talking and getting close to each other. I started liking him and he liked me back! We dated for a month before he dumped me and started dating a girl in the grade below me. I was devastated. My bulimia came back, worse than it had every before. I started smoking, doing sheesha, drinking. I would get drunk at parties and hook up with guys. My grades fell to an all time low. To top it all of my parents would call me fat. My brother would ridicule me for being heavy. My father and mother would say nasty rude things. During the 9th grade summer my mother found a pack of cigarettes in my cupboard. Due to financial problems I didn't go anywhere and was stuck at home while my friends were abroad. I would eat and puke atleast 5 times a day. My day would be like 'eat, puke, eat, puke, watch tv, eat, puke, eat,puke, eat, eat, eat, puke, puke, puke, sleep.' Sometimes I would puke just to feel better and lighter. One day, I researched on bulimia and was horrified with my discovery. I decided to get my life back on track. I started exercising and eating right. Threw out all my booze, cigarettes everything and wanted to focus on the good stuff. I began working towards my grades. I lost some weight. But then my family lost all its money. It wasn't good. The grades spiralled down and my bulimia was at an all time high. I even got a permanent tattoo cause some friends did. But the drinking, thankfully never started again.
The thing is, that even though I am, somewhat at terms with my body, and nothing rude effects me anymore. I still want to be thin like the other girls. And my bulimia won't stop until I am. I'm also scared that I may move on from Bulimia to Anorexia.
The 9th grade has just gotten over. I'm still fat and bulimic but I am working on it. I have more control. I've always thought that i would never be good enough. And for all those other girls out there, who feel the same way, remember there are people like you. Who understand. I still think I'm not perfect. I never will be. My parents don't make it easier. And I am physically abused. But my grades have gotten better, and I haven't had a drink or smoke since June. The Change is slow, but getting there.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program