I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.
You are the closest person to me in my life, my best friend and i consider you a sister. I trust you with anything and everything, and there's nothing about me you don't know. Except this. I am battling a nightmare that i would do anything in the world to get out of, and that's bulimia. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, it's destroying me in every sense of the word, and i can't take another day of it.
You've known me my entire life, and i know you've wondered what the hell has been going on with me the past 6 or so months. You said that i've lost that twinkle in my eye and haven't seemed myself. You've wondered why i've pushed you away at times, not replied to texts, denied offers to go get dinner or hang out. Well that's what bulimia does to you unfortunately. It consumes every aspect of your life, imprisons you and leaves you wanting to shut out the world. You feel helpless and disgusting.
It all started at the end of first year uni. You and i went on that awesome health kick. I lost the extra weight i was carrying through hard work, exercise and eating extremely healthily. We were going to gym classes together, i felt like i had found myself, and i was on top of the world. Then i don't really know what happened, but when we went home for summer that year, something in me changed. Everyone commented on how great i looked. I felt this immense pressure to maintain it. My diet got more restrictive, but with the restrictiveness came the urges to overeat due to the fact i was depriving myself. I remember one particular day i baked cupcakes for a friend, and i had one. Suddenly i felt guilty, but also got this uncontrollable urge to eat another. Then before i knew it i had eaten the entire batch, and felt so sick i had to relieve myself. This was only the beginning.
The entire summer i hid my bulimia from everyone by isolating myself with my summer job, using fake tan to appear healthy, and exercising in what i was calling "perfect weather for a wee jog". In reality, i was getting home from work each day, stuffing my face with everything in the fridge, gulping down up to 6 litres of water, and then racing to the toilet with excruciating stomach pains, my skirt almost bursting open from the solid rock that was my bloated stomach. I would make myself sick - which at times was hard - and would leave the bathroom with a bleeding throat, battered knuckles, bloodshot eyes and a swollen face. This continued all summer. I was acting happy, but i felt anything but.
When i moved down for my second year of uni, i actually felt okay strangely. I had a new flat, new surroundings and plenty to distract myself from what had been going on. But a few weeks in, and feeling disgusting from the orientation week drinking sessions and fried food, teamed with stress over various issues in my social life (you know what these are...), it all began again. My flatmates would go off to uni and i would prepare myself enough food to feed the whole flat, and then some. Drink litres and litres of water. And vomit. Then exhausted, take myself to bed, missing the whole day of uni cause of how utterly disgusting and ashamed i felt.
Fran i feel like i'm destroying my entire life. I hardly talk to anyone. I'm rude and moody to my flatmates. I ruined a relationship with a lovely boy. I'm failing university. And worst of all i feel like i'm bringing you down with me. Why should you be dragged into my mess of a life? I'm terrified of what i'm doing to my body, my mental health, my existence. I'm better than this and i would do anything to have it gone from my life. I just want to be free from bulimia.
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