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I would make excuses for him to leave my house.. so I could throw up after we hung out

by Sabrina
(Europe )

I can remember my first purge when I was with my friend going to an organized school dance when i was 12. We hadn't even eaten a lot.. and were laughing about the idea of making our selves throw up.

I've always been a food lover but the past 2 years, i've become a food addict. I love you over eat certain foods i cant get a hold us in Europe. I cant even describe the feeling of being full or having over eaten because my appetite has expanded so much over the years.

The pressure for being skinny never really came from anyone ever calling me names but just self accomplishment .. I've always secretly wanted to have a model figure without actually being a model. I love fashion and regularly stalk celebs and models and have a major obsession with critiquing other peoples bodies. I work out often and play sports 3 times a week.

What really got me started was my boyfriend. I've always been the athletic looking girl who was fortunate to be skinny but toned because of the sports i played. My friends would always compliment me and i was envied by everyone except for myself. I've never been okay with my body. Since the age of 10 years old, i would ditch pool parties & change in different rooms than boys. It even got to the point where I would ask my 3 Year relationship boyfriend to leave the room while i changed, or kept my shirt on during intercourse. I've always been ashamed of my body and till this day, don't feel comfortable being exposed. I want my bulimia to disappear & most importantly, i want to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel guilty and filthy for throwing up and binging. The worst of all, is all the secrets and the hiding. My parents nor siblings have the slightest idea that i have an eating disorder.

I really want help but don't want anyone in my family to hate themselves for not noticing I was going through it and thinking they didn't do enough for me. That is my worst fear. I have the most lOving parents and the two most caring sisters. I am 16 to this day and have been regularly bulimic for about 3 years now.

I've tried to be throwing up- free several times, but i find myself binging without even having the real intention of throwing it up afterwards. The biggest motivation is feeling better and looking better. Ever since i've been bulimic i've had periods where i look sickeningly pale, have major bags under my eyes and can feel sores around my heart area. It scares me every time but I cant put my self to get rid of my bulimia completely. The biggest factor being my boyfriend, and the idea that i have to be the prettiest and most attractive person he's ever seen. I think part of me not expecting my body is because i am so observant towards others that i feel that they'll notice my flaws.

My worst fear is that i've grown to have a visual deformation of my body. I feel really obese sometimes but everyone says i have an amazing bodies and nice features. I want to believe them so badly, but its not what i see in the mirror. I;ve even tried counting till 3 and jumping infront of the mirror shouting '' AND NOW IM FINALLY HEALTHY '' just to see if my vision of myself was actually distorted or not.

THE worst part is that every year that goes by, i look back and say.. oh i wish I had my body then but really i hated it at the time.

Please help me. I dont know where else i can seek help.

Sabrina S.

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