I Wont Die On a Bathroom Floor
Im 30 years old . . . and have spent 15 years as a Bulimic. Half my life is gone. I can sit here and spend hours typing about all the horrible things that have happened to me in my life, and all the horrible things i have done to myself . . . but when it comes down to it, I cant change them. I have also had some unbelievalbe things happen in my life for which i am truly blessed! My father, who molested my sister and i as children came to a point in his life where he decided to finally be honest about what he had done. He acknowledged what he had done, and he apologised . . . and i have to tell you i had no idea till that day how much pure hate i had kept bottled up inside of me. And it sounds pretty twisted to say 'god how lucky were we' . . . but imagine having to spend your entire life never hearing those two little words you long to hear . . . 'im sorry'. And i actually held his hand as he took his last breathe, and realised that he had been a human that had made a terrible mistake. And despite it all i still loved him.
I hit a real low before the apology. I was BPing up to 20 times a day, was an alcoholic, chainsmoked and did any drug i could get my hands on. I cant believe im alive. And then something miraculous happened. I found out i was pregnant with my first son. The minute i found out, i quit everything cold turkey. I had the strenght in me to just stop. It was there all along, i just didnt have anything to love more then myself. When he was born i tried so hard to not let my demons come back, and the only one that did was the bulimia. I was so ashamed now because i had this beautiful baby that i loved more then life itself, and here i was making myself sick. I lost 33kg in 2 months after he was born and i am lucky i didnt have a heart attack. Ive been blessed with two more sons since then, and they make life so special. Something strange has happened to me in the last couple of months and i cannot explain what it is. I started doing yoga, and something has suddenly changed inside of me. Its like i am getting in touch with my body and it is telling me its time to stop. Ive had enough, bulimia is not my friend and it has no place in my life. My children will not find me dead on the bathroom floor. I want to watch them grow, and show them all the love that i never got as a child. Its been 5 days since ive purged. I still need to work on my over eating, but i think quiting the purging is a good place to start! I was driving down the road to pick my son up from school and i started to cry . . . i am so happy. What a strange and wonderful emotion, i cant actually remember ever taking the time to feel or appreciate happiness. Rather than running to the bathroom when i feel full, ive been taking a pen and writing all those feelings down. God it feels good. And reading through it afterwards only makes me realise that im doing the right thing. What a twisted disease bulimia is. I think the most important thing for me is learning not to hate myself . . . i hate bulimia. Like all the other addictions i have quit it will get easier with time as long as you have the willpower to stay sober. I have only been sober for 5 days, but every part of me knows that i have the strength to make that 5 years!
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