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I want to be loved and free of my bulimia...

by Lauren
(Seattle)

I have been bulimic for 5 years this summer - at 20, thats a lot - 1/4 of my life...

I hate who I have become and seem to link many of my disorder thoughts to my sexually abusive relationship as a teen, and my codependency issue from my alcoholic mother with my disorder, I feel in so much pain being skinny seems to also show how much I hurt inside, until I wanted to hide it all, I have been to three treatment programs with a total of a year or plus in treatment three different times. I go to eda meetings... But, I can't break the binge and purge cycle.

I want to be loved and free of my bulimia. No fancy treatment center, or hard core treatment center can fix me...

My disorder has made me so good at lying that it scares me some times, I buy massive amounts of foods, and spend 3 or plus hours eating and binging on it...

I want to be free, for once in my life I want to be loved, I have friends, but I feel so lonely, I want to be free of bulimia, my computer is my best friend and I use bulimia to fill the emptiness...

Please I just want to be free just to be happy, this disorder can kill me, I know, but I cant break free

help?

Shaye Says



Hi Lauren!

I can relate to the pain you're feeling right now... I know how desperate bulimia can make you... But please, please, never give up faith that somewhere out there - is the solution for you...

Yes, you may have tried going to treatment centers in the past... But that was then and this is now... You're different now - as you are a unique and constantly changing individual... So, just because you haven't managed to recover in the past is not a sign that you won't be able to recovery in the future...

I felt like bulimia was engrained in every fiber of my body... There were times when I thought I'd live my life with bulimia - and die with it too. I thought bulimia and me were tied together in an a knot that could never be untied... BUT...

I recovered - and I know, without a doubt in my mind, that you can too...

The key is to go at it with baby steps and to try and eliminate unkindness from your world...

I'd say your first step would be to try and develop a better relationship with yourself... Try to be kinder to yourself, more forgiving and compassionate. Try to treat yourself - and talk to yourself - the way you would treat to somebody you love if they were in the same position.

You can't recover from a debilitating disorder by constantly kicking yourself when you are down... This simply doesn't work...

Start today by trying to catch negative self talk when it arises. You don't need to replace it with overly positive talk that feels fake - but try to at least challenge it with something neutral...

EG: "I'm unlovable"

would be challenged with..

"If I were unlovable, I wouldn't have friends, and I do have friends, so obviously there is something about me that IS lovable"

Keep challenging your negative beliefs - over and over again...

At first you won't notice much of a difference...

But, it's like walking in a field of tall grass... It's much easier to walk down the paths your used to walking on (negative paths)... Creating new positive paths can be difficult at first - but, after a while, the old negative paths will become overgrown, and the new positive ones will be your natural path of choice!

Please keep in touch on this site, I am here for support whenever you may need it!

Love
Shaye

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program