I thought I was finished; I thought I could beat this

by Sienna
(Australia)

Hi there

So I've written here a few times (a ballerinas secret) and wrote again recently but I'm not sure if it's been published or if I sent it in right. It's has been over a month since I last made myself throw up! Until today...

I was soo proud of myself. Without the purging, I've felt energetic, motivated, happy, healthy and wasn't constantly getting sick. However the binges didn't stop. Since I stopped purging, I have gained more than X kilograms. Thats over Xkg's in a month. This weight gain has been scaring me, because I've always been skinny and never gained large amounts of weight before. I've been hating what I look like (and what the scales say). Every night I say to myself 'tomorrow I will eat normally/healthy' but it never happens.

I'm still binging (of course not as much as i was) but the only difference has been that I'm keepin it down. Today, I ate a lot. It's like my mind was set on auto pilot and as soon as I ate one thing, I just couldn't stop. My belly felt like it was going to burst and I went to the toilet and got rid of it. Afterwards, I had stomach pains, my throat tasted awful and my heart was beating extremely fast. And well here I am, writing to you.

I don't know what to do. A few weeks ago I kind of told my sister. I told her that I only did it a few times and that I had stopped. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole truth. She told me she understood, as her best friend suffered from anorexia, and to tell her if I did it again. But I can't tell her. I've come so far by myself and I hate that I did this today. Shaye, please do you have any advice on how I can lose some of the weight I've put on and get my life back to normal eating. Today's slip up has made me really scared that I'm going to go back to my old habits.

Sienna