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I thought I was doing well, but then bulimia hit me again


Hello there,

a while ago I wrote here to tell my story. I'm the German girl. After writing here, I felt good. I told a friend about the bulimia and she helped me to get to see a doctor/psychiatrist. Soon after that, she moved to the Nederlands, so the only person who knew was gone. But we were writing Emails ans she asked me how I was doing. I was going to the psychiatrist because of new/old very stressful stuff that happened in my life. I don't have to describe it any further, I mean everyone here has problems and for me it is not important how bad the problems really are- we all try to cope with it through the bulimia- and that's what makes me so sad!
I am seeing a psychiatrist now, but we are only at the beginning and she isn't there for me when my binge urges are getting serious. So I told another friend, now two people know! And when I get the urge to binge (every third day when it is really bad and one day a week when I am doing well) I can call her, I know that, but somehow I can't talk to her in that moment and then the binging and the purging starts. Yesterday I had a really bad moment, totally out of the blue, the day started so well and then something went wrong and I started to eat. I ate apples,chocolat, cookies, pasta, other fruit...soooo much. And since I couldn't go home I trough up at the library- nobody noticed but I felt shame and I felt pathetic and ugly. I saw the other people around me and couldn't believe that I was the sad one, that couldn't handle her feelings like she wanted. Me...the fun one, the happy one, the one that get fantastic grades, even when I am down.

I could go one month without bulimia, then 2 weeks, and now I am down to every third day sometimes. I want to find my way back to recovery! I want to be healthy and I want to deal with my feelings in other ways!! I tried yoga, I tried sleeping or running- everything helps, but I can't find the trigger when I REALLY need it! Please, I'm reaching out for someone that can help me to get over this desease. I am desperate and even if I am the happy and funny girl, I am so sad right now. So sad, that I am not the person anymore that I want to be all day long, not just half the day.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program