I thought I was doing well, but then bulimia hit me again
a while ago I wrote here to tell my story. I'm the German girl. After writing here, I felt good. I told a friend about the bulimia and she helped me to get to see a doctor/psychiatrist. Soon after that, she moved to the Nederlands, so the only person who knew was gone. But we were writing Emails ans she asked me how I was doing. I was going to the psychiatrist because of new/old very stressful stuff that happened in my life. I don't have to describe it any further, I mean everyone here has problems and for me it is not important how bad the problems really are- we all try to cope with it through the bulimia- and that's what makes me so sad!
I am seeing a psychiatrist now, but we are only at the beginning and she isn't there for me when my binge urges are getting serious. So I told another friend, now two people know! And when I get the urge to binge (every third day when it is really bad and one day a week when I am doing well) I can call her, I know that, but somehow I can't talk to her in that moment and then the binging and the purging starts. Yesterday I had a really bad moment, totally out of the blue, the day started so well and then something went wrong and I started to eat. I ate apples,chocolat, cookies, pasta, other fruit...soooo much. And since I couldn't go home I trough up at the library- nobody noticed but I felt shame and I felt pathetic and ugly. I saw the other people around me and couldn't believe that I was the sad one, that couldn't handle her feelings like she wanted. Me...the fun one, the happy one, the one that get fantastic grades, even when I am down.
I could go one month without bulimia, then 2 weeks, and now I am down to every third day sometimes. I want to find my way back to recovery! I want to be healthy and I want to deal with my feelings in other ways!! I tried yoga, I tried sleeping or running- everything helps, but I can't find the trigger when I REALLY need it! Please, I'm reaching out for someone that can help me to get over this desease. I am desperate and even if I am the happy and funny girl, I am so sad right now. So sad, that I am not the person anymore that I want to be all day long, not just half the day.
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Bulimia Stories.