I thought I could never be happy with myself - Evas Bulimia Recovery Story
I began riding the eating disorder roller coaster when I was 16. I was very unhappy with my appearance. No matter who told me that I was a perfect size or pretty, I never believed them. I thought that those people were only being polite. I hated everything that reflected back to me in the mirror.
Backing up 3 years prior to me becoming a bulimic, I now know what brought on a cocktail of emotions & fear that lead me down such a destructive path...
I was sexual abused on a daily basis during that time by a step-father. Every day I felt more and more like less of a person.
By the time I was 16 I began taking diet pills on a regular basis. I was out of control with my behavior. I drank and tried different drugs in hopes to numb out the pain and hopefully feel better about me. It had the complete opposite affect. Then, I heard about girls who threw up to look better that were models. So I figured I would give it a shot and maybe this was the answer to me liking myself. I hated it the first time I tried but after a few times it became easier for me. I started throwing up only after big meals or eating something unhealthy. After a few months I began getting comments on how great I looked. I liked the attention but deep down only saw the same person who still hated everything about myself.
I became promiscuous and enjoyed the instant gratification that came with this behavior but was always left feeling like less and less of a person in the end. I continued to spiral out of control over the years with the behavior becoming worse. I often cried hoping I would just die. Then almost a year ago I was at the point that I took diet pills every day along with laxatives, running every day, working out every day, and throwing up every day. I hated my life and carried so much guilt and shame that I didn't care about anything anymore. The only good thing in my life was my beautiful daughter and my boyfriend. Both I felt I didn't deserve to have anymore.
My lies that I had lived had caught up with me and my life had become a joke. I had made so many mistakes and the only time I felt any release from this life was when I would throw up. It was like a drug to me. It gave me a high like no other and helped me to let go of all my many problems. But just like any other drug, it never lasted. I always came down from that high feeling worse each time.
After an argument with my boyfriend over the phone while I was driving down the road, I decided that no one cared about me and I was the only one to blame. My daughter would be better off without a mother like me. How could she look up to me? No one loved me and I had no reason to stay here on this earth any longer. I let go of the wheel and closed my eyes. I however, awoke to someone banging on my car window screaming at me asking if I were ok. The first thing I immediately thought was, good going Eva, you can't even kill yourself right. You are worthless.
I was in the hospital for a week with some physical pain but nothing like the pain I had in my heart. I was embarrassed to tell anyone what I had tried to do. I just said that since it had been raining and it was dark, I simply lost control of the car and ran off the road. A few months went by and nothing had changed other than I hated who I was more and more with every waking day. My food had begun to simply come up without any effort on my part. I cried every day praying that I would please just die.
I went to my boyfriends house one night and we had a big argument. I knew we were going to break up because of the lies I kept telling him and I also knew that when I left there I wasn't going to not mess up this time on removing myself from this earth. I had only slept a few hours here and there for that entire week prior due to the diet pills that I was still popping every day along with throwing up even after drinking hot chocolate.
I had never told anyone of my secret, that I was bulimic, but that night as tears ran down my face I looked at him and said I need help or I will die. I told him my secret. That was the hardest moment I had ever faced and I had faced a lot of horrible moments in my life.
The next day I checked in to a 3 month rehab for eating disorders. I hated being away from my daughter and felt so much guilt and shame for leaving her. But once I realized that she almost didn't have a mommmy at all and that by me being there and getting help, I was actually helping myself and her. If I wasn't healthy then how could I raise my daughter? I couldn't.
I did some really hard work while I was there... I had to dig up old skeletons from my past and be open about them with 25 other women. Very difficult telling basically my whole life. I just thought that they would judge me, hate me, tell me what a horrible monster of a person I was. Surprisingly, none of them did. They helped me to understand that my past is just that. I am not my mistakes nor am I my past. I learned so much there and I am very grateful to have been so blessed to have the once in a life time opportunity to go.
I now eat 6 meals a day, 3 are snacks, workout (when I feel like it), sleep at least 7-8 hours a day, and pray humbly and give thanks every day!
I take things as they come. I live day by day. I try not to get in my head too much and I reach out to my best friend who is still my boyfriend or to others that have walked in my shoes and truly understand. Not every day is rainbows and lolly pops but I now know that tomorrow is a brand new day. I don't look in the mirror and see a model still but the girl looking back at me can now smile and say that I am ok just the way I am.
I pray the serenity prayer throughout my day. God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, & the wisdom to know the difference.
Thanks for reading my story & I hope in some way it may of give you the hope I never thought I would have or deserved.