I purge to fill a void.
I always feel lonely. More so now than before. I usually stick to restricting, but these days I'm so busy that I don't need to. So other than work, there is nothing occupying my thoughts other than loneliness (my boyfriend is away on business a lot, I live an hour away from all of my friends, feeling like no one needs me). I have never really been good at purging anyway, but over the last few weeks the frequency has increased (and the quality of purges) and now all that occupies my time is deciding to purge today, or maybe waiting until I REALLY need to. Today's purge wasn't following a binge. I ate some popcorn, a bottle of coke, and an hour later had a few bites of mac n cheese (I had intended to binge but I felt too full). When I purged the other day, after eating at Denny's with a friend (a real binge), I broke down and purged in a public restroom for the first time.
I have suffered from anorexia since ate 14. I've now officially developed the dreaded ana/mia combo at age 20.
Where have I gone?
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