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I need to be saved from myself

by Maria

My name is Maria. I developed anorexia aged 11 after suffering sexual abuse for four years. I ate very small amounts and my weight plummeted to X stone. As I lost weight my family became much more protective of me and as a result my abuser was no longer able to access me. I associated being thin with being safe and continued to starve myself in order to protect myself from the abuse.

I stayed this way until I was 16 at which point my anorexia developed into bulimia. My weight gradually crept up and the binges became worse. Despite this I managed to do well in school, achieving 'A' grades. I went on to university and spent my years there bingeing and purging. I qualified as a teacher but found it difficult to continue as I could not control my eating.

At 26 I got married and managed to get my eating under better control with b/p sessions much less frequent but I got pregnant and lost the baby which set me back.

I am now 30 years old, married and have three beautiful children (aged 3 and 2 year old twins). I have had times when my eating has been under control and I feel and look so much better when I am not bingeing and/or purging. I know it makes me a better person but despite this I've always got bulimia hanging over my shoulder. I've never been free.

I lost my fourth child in March this year five months into my pregnancy and since then I have relapsed. I keep my ED as well hidden from my children as possible but I know as they get older they will realise something is wrong. I know realistically I am a healthy weight and being a size 8 that I am not fat. But I look huge when I look in the mirror and see all my flaws. But I don't want to obsess anymore. I don't want temporary relief. I too, like you long for REAL freedom.

How did you achieve this miracle? Where did you start? I need to know as I am DESPERATE for full recovery but have no idea how to stop the obsession. I'm terrified. I love my children deeply and I need to do this for myself and for them.

My biggest problem is when things go wrong in my life (such as losing a baby)I automatically think I need to shed weight to 'protect' myself as this is what I associate with safety since I was a child. I don't know how to let that go; how to not want to be really thin as a physical expression of my emotional pain. I restrict food and then we all know where that leads to!

I want TRUE REAL freedom. Not 'better for now' or 'under control' I want FREEDOM. I know I need to change my way of thinking but it is so difficult to do this and I have very little time to focus on me as I am a full time Mum.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program