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I need recovery advise please!!

by Megan
(Brooklyn, NY)

I am 21 years old and have living with bulimia for almost two years. I grew up in a nutritionist's house who had also suffered from bulimia. I loved all junk food for that fact that is was never around, but I could never eat very much or else I would become sick very easily, so I never thought I would have a problem overeating it.

The rest of this is quite long because this is my first time writing down my story, so I don't really know what to cut out.

I moved to New York City for school almost three years ago, but at the same time, my parents moved to a different state for my dad's new job. I immediately tried to find a comfortable social group since I knew I wasn't never going back to MY home even if I was going to my parents home. During school, I was very active in all sorts of clubs and I was the star player of the soccer team. Unfortunately, I became injured halfway through the season that kept me from working out, and I eventually went from 5'2'' X to X lbs. Working out was my release, my only form of therapy, and, looking back on it, I realize that I must have been so anxious that I thought that X was a true reflection of my weight (right after thanksgiving dinner, and fully clothed). And that was one of my breaking points.
I began restricting my food and running every morning. This itself was very healthy, and I knew how to feed myself from my nutritionist Mom. I lost a little bit of weight, but I was still not happy with it. I broke down to my mother over winter break PLEADING for help, and she began to suspect that I was going toward dangerous territory, but she helped me regardless. I went back to school with new confidence and went down to X lb. and then X lbs. There was one time I ate a single french fry at noon and refused to eat for the rest of the day, convinced that one french fry should be sufficient to get me through the rest of the day. I began to realize something was wrong in my head and I confessed this to my mom and my boyfriend at the time. And no matter how hard they tried to help, I was quickly becoming more disordered in my thinking everyday.
I eventually started purging after an end of the year banquet. I broke up with my boyfriend, almost completely detached from emotion. I continued to lose weight while having an internship at a research lab. I went back to Orlando (my hometown) and became so stressed that I lost X lbs in 5 days (down to X lb). Now I never lost enough weight to be admitted to the hospital, but I was VERY muscular for my frame, so I had very little fat on me.
When I got back to New York, I started dating someone who was the most intelligent person I had ever met, and I thought he could help me. Through waves of our relationship, my bulimia became so severe, vomit became a part of my scent. I began cutting and other destructive acts. My GPA dropped and I became suicidal. However, I stayed with him, and though I blame him for a lot of my mental upsets (and he is not free from blame). I now realize that I was constantly rebelling against his help, because that meant I would gain weight. I'm really amazed he stuck with me through all of it, and I have never been closer to anyone my whole life. He has put me in the right mindset towards achieving everything I've wanted in life (except emaciation).

NOW, that is my story, but what I really need now is help from people who have had this disorder and have maybe recovered. I have a very difficult time keeping myself from eating crap because my body has become so used to it that it's hard not to eat it ALL THE TIME. I'm trying to nip the purging once and for all, even if I feel fat and even if I'm too full. I'm just afraid that I will be overeating for the rest of my life. Can anyone give me any tips or ways to keep yourself from thinking about food.

Also, my teeth have become absolutely dreadful. I cry every time I see a friend's facebook picture and they have these beautiful white, well-shaped teeth. My teeth are actually one of the reasons I continued the bulimia because I felt that I had ruined my teeth already, I don't want to be fat as well. Anyway, they was discolored, have cavities, cracks and cratered, and are partially transparent. Is there REALLY a way to fix each one of these things? I would really appreciate some insight about where to go from here, where to go after I was falling fast for two years. And to everyone out there who hasn't fully recovered, KEEP FIGHTING!! Remember what you want from life and understand that bulimia will get in the way of achieving any of it! You're worth more that the self deprecating thought, the hate and the destruction to your body! Please remember that!!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program