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I need help with this.

by Anonymous
(New Zealand)

This represents me. Not exactly, there is more details but this gives the idea of me.

This represents me. Not exactly, there is more details but this gives the idea of me.

Ok well im 19. Female in New Zealand too. This is not too hard as it can be anonymous but if I were to try talk, I wouldnt be able to. I have grown up with an abusive past, domestic violence and horrible bullies. At the age of 14, I started throwing up my meals. I would eat then walk to the local park and throw up in the bushes. Up to four times a day.

I stopped taking food and water to school at the age of 13 and couldn't eat or drink in front of anyone. I cant even now. I can only in front of my family. Like if i'm eating and we get a visitor, I stop eating till the visitor has left.
I used to take a food and nutrition class at school, we cooked every week then got to eat it. I couldn't. My class or teacher has never seen me eat and always asked why. The teacher one day asked me to eat, just a little, I went into a panic attack and had to leave the classroom. During that year, my mates at the time also caught me in the school toilets throwing up my food. My mates, teachers and family, everyone, has never seen me in just a t shirt, I cant stand it, I'm too scared of people looking and commenting how fat I am. So I just wear baggy jerseys, ever since 13yrs old.

I have been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, Bulimia Nervosa, Major depressive disorder, Post traumatic stress disorder, Chronic suicidal ideation and anxiety. I'm not sure if it is Bulimia tho as I don't really binge and purge. I do like once a week but most of the time, I'm just vomiting my meals of the day. I cant stand having the horror inside of me. I'm on meds which make me gain weight, I can't not take them as I will go extreme down hill. I can't even talk about my eating or myself, I don't feel as if I can and i'm not worth anything. I have a counsellor and all I have to do is ask and I can get help. I just don't know how to ask, I'm too scared to figure it all out, im too scared to tell others. My mum was told last year but she has thought i'm fine now, but i'm not :(

My head is constantly thinking about food, throwing up, exercise, everything. I even cut my nails on certain fingers so I can put them down my throat without cutting it. I have vomited using, the bushes, toilet, hidden container in my room and most common, the shower.

I have learnt so many tricks etc, but now im done with fighting my head. I need help. I admit. Its been 4 years now at least.

I want to reach out for help, I'm sick of feeling pain in my chest and panicking, and having my mind stuck on the subject of food all day its really exhausting! Also sick of having to go and vomit it up, I dont want to but I have to. . I just dont know how to ask.

I have had 4 hospitalized failed suicide attempts and im a frequent self harmer via cutting and over dose.

Today, I had an apple and a little cake for lunch, threw it up. Then a little bit of lasagne for tea, threw that up. Then I turned down pudding but then ate it like 2 hours ago, tried to keep it down and went into the get it out mode, threw it up.

My heart feels sore and throbs every now and again but I don't want anyone to know about my vomiting :(. My family is very controlling.

Sorry if this is long. These days im just highly frustrated with myself. :(.

Take care x

Shaye Says



Hi there precious girl,

I am so sorry to hear about everything you have gone through and are still going through. And I am sorry it took me a while to post this, the submissions to my site got on top of me a little.

I want you to know that there is hope. I used to feel as thought I was SO deeply lost in bulimia that I'd never find my way out... I felt like I'd be bulimic forever... But because I recovered, I know there is hope for everyone - including you!

It may be a long journey - with slips along the way - but keep moving forward with love and kindness and you will get there.

I know it can be so tempting to diet and cut back on food in recovery, but i can promise you that this will always lead back to more binge eating. Your body can handle food precious girl, so please, nourish it well - 3 meals and 3 snacks a day is so important! And when you feel yourself getting critical about your body or anything for that matter - gently ask yourself what you would say to your best friend, or a young child, if they were in the same position. Only love can heal you.

Kia Kaha

Shaye

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program