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I need accountability!

by Sara

I am 21, and have what seems gone from one problem to another. (not to tell sad story, just to give a ltitle background where I came from) One of my parents was an addict that came with emotional (and sometimes) physical abuse for the family. I went from over-exercising, to cutting, attempted suicide, counseling, binge and purge, and now just plain old binging all with depression woven thoughout haha.
Maybe im writing to vent, or maybe its to find support. The game of this gets old. Real old. To the point i look in the mirror and feel unhuman, worth nada. Because what human eats herself sick right? And then goes and starves herself the next day only to start this circle over again....and again..and again. Well the good news for those still reading at this point, is i want to keep fighting. I want to find greater meaning for myself. I know I believe God is out there and that he cares. Sometimes I think I dont truly accept his care and I punish myself for all my mistakes so he doesnt have to haha. I want to get back to the basics. To love myself as I did when I was a little girl and you didnt even hardly look in the mirror every day and where my mom had to force me to finish my dinner before I ran off to play outside. I miss those days. And I want to go back to that mentality! To have a healthy relationship with food and enjoy the reason it was put on this earth, for our health and enjoyment, not to our demise of gluttony, guilt, binging, and purging over.
I need some advice from people who have made it to the other side or are having breakthrough getting can i motivate myself in that dark moment when food just "seems so right" and that you "need" that food at that moment..and a lot of it? I really need support! I want to start actively fighting back and winning my battle! I won my battle with cutting, and need to conquer this next mountain. All i know is i dont want to quit until i beat this. I just dont know how to do it alone anymore.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program