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I must quit

I don't actually remember when my anorexia "transformed" into bulimia. Probably it was after 1,5 year of anorexia - at age 19 - when i realized i don't need to restrict calories to stay thin (and also because my parents started arguing with me how little food I eat and I'm too skinny and so on). At first I threw up a few times a week.. but it soon took control of me and now I purge up to 6-7 times a day for almost two years (I'm 21 now).
I spend so much money on my food, I don't have any real friends, I have to lie all the time and make stupid excuses just that I can eat and purge. I am disgusted of myself.
I read a lot about healthy lifestyle, food, especially veganism and I think I could consider myself vegan if i wouldn't have been bulimic. Every time I finish purging I say to myself "This is the last time, but really really last time." And soon I become hungry again so I make myself a decent vegan meal. I eat it and I'm pretty satisfied with myself. Then I feel like eating a few apples. But after that starts the real thing - all the food I find at home - everything goes into my stomach until I'm so full I can not take in even a sip of water. Then I go to the bathroom and vicious circle continues.
But it has to stop NOW. I'm slowly running out of money, my parents suspect something is very wrong with me, and worst of all - last two months I got puffy swollen cheeks and lymph nodes on my neck therefore I look terrible!
With this note I'm trying to quit this insanity. I had to share this with SOMEONE and I am glad I found this page. I realized I surely need to learn to love life and myself - it is gonna be a tough one…..…

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program