I miss being myself
I miss how I used to hang out with my friends and family without having food on my mind 24/7. Now, whenever I do get time with them, I'm counting down the minutes till they leave so I can start bingeing on food. I love my friends and family immensely, but I feel like my real self is trapped and hiding and that this pseudo person has taken over my life. It's only at night that I find my eating to be a true issue but it's greatly affecting my life. I want to go back to the old me. Not the ED me.
I want to get help from a therapist but I don't have money to do it on my own and I don't want to tell my mom/dad. My whole life I have been the good daughter with everything figured out. An over achiever, a perfectionist. And now I'm an eating disorder. I've lost so much time and so much of my life to this disease already. I don't want to lose anymore.
Everyday I tell myself things will be different. But every night I end up in the same situation.. bingeing on food and then attempting to purge it all up. I get manic and shaky at night if I don't have food to binge on and I always end up going out to buy something if there's nothing in my house. Every night I end up telling myself this is the last time. But that promise always turns into a lie.
I've found the bloating caused during recovery has been one of my biggest bingeing triggers. I get this feeling like, hey i'm already feeling fat, why not just add to it? I always feel horrendous afterwards.
I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I just want to be normal. To spend time with others without having food occupying my thoughts. To not spend every night hunched over a toilet. To not force myself to run 6+ miles a day. To just enjoy life for everything it is.
I'm only 21. I have a whole life ahead of me. I won't let bulimia take this away from me. I'm ready to change.
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Bulimia Stories.