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I miss being myself

by Izzy

I miss how I used to hang out with my friends and family without having food on my mind 24/7. Now, whenever I do get time with them, I'm counting down the minutes till they leave so I can start bingeing on food. I love my friends and family immensely, but I feel like my real self is trapped and hiding and that this pseudo person has taken over my life. It's only at night that I find my eating to be a true issue but it's greatly affecting my life. I want to go back to the old me. Not the ED me.

I want to get help from a therapist but I don't have money to do it on my own and I don't want to tell my mom/dad. My whole life I have been the good daughter with everything figured out. An over achiever, a perfectionist. And now I'm an eating disorder. I've lost so much time and so much of my life to this disease already. I don't want to lose anymore.

Everyday I tell myself things will be different. But every night I end up in the same situation.. bingeing on food and then attempting to purge it all up. I get manic and shaky at night if I don't have food to binge on and I always end up going out to buy something if there's nothing in my house. Every night I end up telling myself this is the last time. But that promise always turns into a lie.

I've found the bloating caused during recovery has been one of my biggest bingeing triggers. I get this feeling like, hey i'm already feeling fat, why not just add to it? I always feel horrendous afterwards.

I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I just want to be normal. To spend time with others without having food occupying my thoughts. To not spend every night hunched over a toilet. To not force myself to run 6+ miles a day. To just enjoy life for everything it is.

I'm only 21. I have a whole life ahead of me. I won't let bulimia take this away from me. I'm ready to change.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program