I Might Have Bulimia AND anorexia...
by Jose Uy
(Cagayan de Oro, Philippines)
I'm not self-diagnosing myself with bulimia, but IF ever I have the disease, I might need to see a doctor. Like, IMMEDIATELY.
My name is Jose. I'm from the Philippines. I'm 18 years old, 5'10", and I weigh X lbs. And i'm not gay in case you were wondering, because people assume that men are gay if they have eating disorders. So here's where it all began...
It was February 2013, several weeks before our concert the following month, March.
All the vocalists of our band, including me, were required to wear suits, tuxedos, and the like. My mates' clothes fit well, but mine did not. I kept on looking for clothes that would fit me. Finally, I found one, but only the pants did not fit. Inside the dressing room, I cried so hard. And what's worse was that in my mind was a voice telling me "OMG, I'm so fat and ugly! F**k my life!" I waited for a few minutes for my eyes to lose its redness so that my friends won't know that I cried.
Ever since that day, I became insecure of myself.
I was never this way when I was a little boy. I was a really fat kid back then, and I was bullied because of it. But now I lost some weight, but I always feel that it's not enough. I just made fun of myself about how fat I am, or just joked along when someone called me fat. But deep inside, my body image is just crushing me.
However, on February 2013, it just snapped in my brain that I was ugly.
Ever since that day of choosing our clothes for the concert, I began starving myself by eating very little or nothing at all. But there were times that I gave in to my extreme hunger. I ate a lot after starving myself. And whenever I felt that I was really stuffed (even though I'm not), I forced myself to throw up. I still do this everyday until now. It's just so terrible, and I fear that I could damage my singing voice forever, or cause some major health problems, or worse, I could die.
Months after the concert (April 2013), I told my best friend about this throwing up issue, because I don’t want all these emotions to bottle up and burst out later. Thankfully he didn't judge me. He understood what I’m going through, not because he used to be bulimic, but because he was also insecure of his body image, just like me, although I am much more insecure than him.
And then I told my mom, dad, friends, and relatives. Thank God they weren't judgmental about it. They gave me advices on how to lose weight (I know dieting and exercise is the right way, but I was really damn desperate and panicking about my weight). Yes, I stopped throwing up. Good. I began dieting, jogging every morning. But sometimes the thoughts of throwing up came back again and I did it again. UGH.
I tried taking up karate classes this summer for me to lose weight and to improve my self-defense skills because our city right now is dangerous due to thieves. To my surprise, it repressed my throwing up issue, because I feel better about myself when I do physical activities, such as dancing, jogging, sports, and recently, karate.
But I only lasted for 3 days there. There are two reasons why: my dad was going to be involved in politics and I had to help promote his candidacy. Next, I felt like I looked awkward when performing those moves when I looked at the mirror. Even though I felt I was losing weight, I still felt very ugly and fat when I look in the mirror.
So after stopping karate, my throwing up came back again. But thankfully I did not overeat anymore. Even though I eat normally, I still throw it up because I feel that I'm really stuffed, even though I'm not.
And what's worse is that the starving act came back, just for me to not to be tempted to throw up. I eat very little or nothing at all. And now, parts of my ribs, collarbone, and elbow are starting to stick out. I might be starting to develop anorexia, which is probably even worse than bulimia. I’m really scared!
I've told everyone I trust about this issue. I've been exercising, dieting, etc…but still the "possible bulimia AND anorexia" is still coming back. Do I have bulimia? I really need help! I want to stop this because I don't wanna die because of throwing up so much! T__T