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I Lost My Life-- and Everyone In It

by Adriane

I still have bulimia right now, but I am trying to get better. I've had bulimia since I was 15 years old and I will be 19 in a month. Before bulimia, I was anorexic from the age of 11-13, but I don't feel like I ever recovered from anorexia, or the fear of gaining weight. I was told, as a child, by a classmate, that I was fat. I've been made fun of and disrespected from a young age. At the age of 15, I was at my happiest-- provincial track and field runner for Ontario, good grades, good friends, and a nice family. Then, I lost my friends. Then, I switched schools. Then, my grandmother died. Then, my mother left for 2 months. Then, I had to quit track. Then, I had nothing.

When my mother came back, I already started to binge/purge. When she came back, she was so happy to see me even though her mother had died. She eventually found out about my eating disorder and everything changed. She doesn't talk to me anymore, in fact, for about 2 years, my entire family stopped talking to me. All because of bulimia. My sister gradually started talking to me, I moved back to my old high school and was happier, but my mother doesn't treat me as she once did. We were best friends. I remember I called her one day from home, while she was at the office. I had just finished purging, and I told her she had to come and help me, because I couldn't do it on my own. I know she must have meant well, but she ended up ridiculing me and turning everyone against me.

Bulimia has made me a liar. It makes me cry at night, all alone. It keeps me away from people. It's made me hate myself. Bulimia is an addiction.
I don't know who I am anymore, but I miss the young girl I used to be. I can't believe this is what it has come to-- a girl without her mother. I can't believe I chose food over my mother. I can't believe that I'll never EVER get those years back. This was not what I wanted. Bulimia took everything away from me-- my teeth, my hair, my self-esteem, my memory... everything.

I have to get better, though, and I have to do it now. I will not let bulimia define who I am. I will not let anyone call me bulimic anymore, because my NAME is Adriane. I'm not bulimic; I'm Adriane.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program